


New Man

by Pongo0614



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-19
Updated: 2019-01-19
Packaged: 2019-08-26 04:12:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 31,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16674286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pongo0614/pseuds/Pongo0614
Summary: So this is a bit later than I wanted it by hey, at least I have been able to do what I wanted to do an actually have been able to and this is planned to its end. Believe me when I say that you are in for a little bit of a rollercoaster. Because I actually know where this is going, slightly. It could still all change when I write it though.I am in a bit of a spot at the moment. Things are good, great actually. I have finally got a job, which obviously cuts down my writing time to the evenings and weekends. What is going to happen is, I am going to upload every day and I am just going to see how it goes. We might be fine if I keep the gap the same. I just need to write a chapter a night and that might just about be manageable. I mean, it is all planned, I just need to write it.Hopefully, you all slightly understand Instagram. Hopefully, you understand the messages and the ones on the right are from Merlin.There is a little bit of swearing in this... Sorry for those who don't like swearing.Anyway, in short, I am back, with a better outlook on life and this is finally, New Man. Please enjoy.





	1. Still lookin' at your Instagram and I'll be creepin' a lil'

**Author's Note:**

> So this is a bit later than I wanted it by hey, at least I have been able to do what I wanted to do an actually have been able to and this is planned to its end. Believe me when I say that you are in for a little bit of a rollercoaster. Because I actually know where this is going, slightly. It could still all change when I write it though.  
> I am in a bit of a spot at the moment. Things are good, great actually. I have finally got a job, which obviously cuts down my writing time to the evenings and weekends. What is going to happen is, I am going to upload every day and I am just going to see how it goes. We might be fine if I keep the gap the same. I just need to write a chapter a night and that might just about be manageable. I mean, it is all planned, I just need to write it.  
> Hopefully, you all slightly understand Instagram. Hopefully, you understand the messages and the ones on the right are from Merlin.   
> There is a little bit of swearing in this... Sorry for those who don't like swearing.  
> Anyway, in short, I am back, with a better outlook on life and this is finally, New Man. Please enjoy.

Still lookin' at your Instagram and I'll be creepin' a lil'  
I'll be tryin' not to double tap, from way back

**Chapter 1**

Merlin knew that he should be trying to get to sleep. The weekend had shot around again and Sunday night was slowly turning into Monday morning. He could curse Arthur for getting him into the game that he was playing on his phone but he knew that he could delete it at any time and contemplated doing it a few times. He just couldn’t bring himself to do it, especially when he was on a level ahead of Arthur.

So the notification from Instagram gave him the perfect distraction to get off the game. Just the name that was shown in the notification made his heart drop into his stomach.

_morganalefay has requested to follow you_

His thumb hovered over the notification for a while before he found the strength to press on it. He clicked on the profile and started to smile. He knew that he shouldn’t but he was smiling for the same reason that his heart dropped.

It was Morgana.

He didn’t hesitate for a second later as he hit the accept button and the button to follow her back before he started to scroll through her feed. Merlin couldn’t really describe how he felt when he looked at the photos. Part of him was glad that it seemed like she hadn’t changed one bit. He was glad that she was the same person that he remembered her as. But there was the other part of him. The other part that knew that all the photos with her and some guy should have been her and him.

Did this mean that she was coming back to London?

He probably would have closed the app then and tried to fall asleep. It would have been something that he would have asked Arthur in the morning. That was until he got a message off her.

_morganlefay: Still @merlinthewizard then?_

The reason that they were all on Instagram was because of Arthur, and the only reason that Merlin had more than like ten friends was because of him. It did help when your best friend could have been a world professional footballer.

With Uther being some big business tycoon, Arthur was always in the know about new apps that was going to come to the market. Arthur always had everything new and sometimes before they even hit the market. He ranted and raved about Instagram so much that when it was released, he made sure that everyone in their friendship group downloaded it.

The only problem that Merlin had at that point was the phone that he had. It was just some cheap phone that his mum had got him just before he started secondary school. For him to download Instagram, he needed a new phone. Arthur had offered to give him his old iPhone after getting the latest one for his birthday, before anyone else. Merlin was too proud to just allow Arthur to give him the phone and spent weeks trying to raise the money to pay Arthur for the phone. By the time he saved the money and gave it to Arthur, which he still thinks he got back for his birthday that year, he had already been made a profile by Arthur.

There had been a period when they tried to change their names to something more normal. They had been scared that they might not get into university with weird Instagram names but they just decided to change their profiles to private instead. There was so much to their usernames.

Merlin would have told her that if she stuck about then she would know the reason why they hadn’t changed them.

_Do you think that Arthur would have let us change our names? He has only recently changed his to @kingarthur_

_And I have noticed that Gwen is @queenguinevere_

_Well you know Arthur’s obsession that he is the reincarnation of King Arthur better than anyone_

He was glad that it still felt natural talking to her and that the conversation followed naturally. He wouldn’t have really thought much more of it. Until he got another follower request and a message request. The two requests were from the same person. An alvarrtherebel. Merlin decided to look at the message first.

_Who the fuck would use merlinthewizard as their name?_

Morgana had replied to his last message but he just swiped it up for the moment. He was more interested in the guy that had just messaged him. He clicked on his profile and was immediately shown a picture of this guy kissing Morgana. To torture himself more, he clicked on the picture to make it bigger. There was more than a little stab of jealousy.

_morganalefay: Has Alvarr just messaged you?_

_alvarrtherebel: Stay the fuck away from my girlfriend you freak._

Merlin wasn’t going to say anything. He didn’t want to start something between them. If she had found happiness with the guy, he didn’t want to be the source of an argument. In the end, his curiosity won out. He felt like he had to know why Alvarr might have messaged him.

_Yeah._

_Does he know who I am?_

_Yes, of course._

_I told him that you are my brother’s best friend. Just ignore him._

A part of him felt deflated that he had been downgraded from ‘an old friend of hers’ to being Arthur’s best friend. Not that there was anything wrong with being Arthur’s best friend. Being Arthur’s best friend had got him a job and popularity. Just with Morgana, he thought he was always something more than that. He had been her friend. He had been more to her.

He began to type out a message to ask her whether this all meant that she was coming back but deleted it halfway through. He did want to know whether she was coming back. He felt like he needed to prepare himself for seeing her again. The next time his phone buzzed was from a text from Arthur.

_Mate, I just want to warn you. It looks like Morgana might be coming back home._

Merlin threw the phone down beside him with the text still on the screen. He hit his head a little too hard against the headboard but he knew the reason behind it. He asked himself the question that had been floating around his mind the moment that the first notification appeared on his phone.

Did he really want Morgana to return home?

He didn’t really think that he would have a choice in the matter. It was going to happen whether he was comfortable with the situation or not. The question should have been would he be comfortable with seeing Morgana again after all these years with everything that happened back then.

Merlin didn’t know and he knew that he wouldn’t know until he saw her again. He picked back up his phone to reply to Arthur.

_Yeah, guessed that_


	2. Don't worry, my love, we're learning to love

Don't worry, my love, we're learning to love  
But it's hard when you're young

**Chapter 2**

_**2006** _

Merlin knew from the beginning that he had no chance. He knew that Will would eventually catch him looking but for that moment he could just be some eleven-year-old boy who liked to fantasies about the rich girl. She would never notice him. It was fine. He was safe.

"Mate, we have spoken about this."

Merlin turned to Will. "I know. The only way that I am going to get Morgana Pendragon to notice me is going to the super posh private school that she goes to, whose fees are double what our mums bring in a year. I can dream though, can't I? I mean we are on the other side of the road. We are in the safe zone."

"That is a bit more than dreaming."

Merlin did feel lucky just to know which one Morgana Pendragon was.

He always thought that it was weird that a private school and a comprehensive would be placed so close together but it was London, there wasn't a lot of places to build a building. So the very new comprehensive had to be placed near the age-old private school. There were technically two bus stops for the two schools to get, and the private school got priority. The 'top' bus stop was for all the rich posh kids, while the 'bottom' bus stop was for the poor kids. That was just the way it was. If the bus was full, it was for the poor kids to wait for the next one or to just walk home.

Merlin was more than glad that every day, after school, he had to walk into his little part of London to help out at his uncle's coffee shop.

He knew that it was his imagination but Merlin was sure that, on that particular day, Morgana had seen him and looked over at him. If only he was so lucky.

* * *

Merlin knew what his uncle was going to say to him before he even said it. It had been a common thing ever since his teachers had decided to give him harder work.

"Shouldn't you be studying rather than helping me out?"

"Gaius, I keep telling you. I really don't mind. You need help and mum would help you out if she wasn't working three other jobs as well."

He looked up from the table that he was wiping down to see his uncle staring down at him with one eyebrow raised.

"You have a future ahead of you. You are obviously clever and you can do anything that you want to do. If you really want some extra money, maybe you should try tutoring rather than cleaning down dirty tables in some run down coffee shop."

Merlin knew that would be the end of the conversation for the moment. If anything, he knew that his uncle wasn't wrong. Maybe he could go down that route.

* * *

It was widely known that Uther Pendragon was the biggest contributor to Camelot Prep, the posh private school, and it was also widely known that his son, Arthur, was the footballing hero of Camelot Prep. Merlin had heard rumours that people paid for the privilege to be bullied by him. Merlin did not think that people were telling him right. Definitely after one incident.

Once they found out that their usual route into town had been blocked due to overdue work on the path, Will had about going to super long route just so they didn't have to pass all the Camelot Prep students on their way into town. Merlin, on the other hand, didn't want to walk half an hour out of his way and told Will that they would just walk on the side of the bus stops. They hadn't even reached the top of the hill when they were shouted at.

"Where do you think you are going? Your bus stop is down there."

Other abuse was thrown at them. Merlin just couldn't believe that these people could potentially be the next leaders of the country. Although with the recent politics, he could see why they were like it. The rich looked after the rich and the poor get a little help. It was more if you were doing just alright that you seemed to have the bad deal.

Merlin would have just taken it if he hadn't had a really bad day. All he wanted to do was get to his uncle's and just forget about what had happened at school.

"We aren't catching the bus." He shouted just as they reached the top.

A few of them were taken aback that the comp boy had just shouted back at them. Merlin sort of knew the importance of just finding the most direct route through them all. He watched as Will had a slightly easier time of it. He was sure that he got out of it fine while they seemed to just make Merlin's life difficult, especially when he was tripped up by someone. He just felt the books in his hands scatter as he hit the floor. He managed to get himself up before anyone started to hit or kick him and started in his task of picking up his books.

"Advance Maths and Physics. Boys, we have a massive nerd here."

Merlin turned to see the blond haired boy and hoped that he wasn't who he thought he was. Anyone but Arthur Pendragon. Merlin watched as he pulled the arm with the books in by his head and put out his other arm. The last thing Merlin could do was lost those books. He couldn't afford to replace them. He was glad when Morgana walked up and pulled the books from his hands and hit him on the head with them.

"Can you not be an idiot?"

"Morgana."

"Arthur where else is the poor boy meant to walk. Just because you haven't got your kicks today, doesn't mean that you can take it out on poor..."

Merlin couldn't believe that she had just turned to him. Morgana had actually noticed him.

"Merlin. My name is Merlin."

She smiled at him and it took everything for him not to melt on the spot. "On poor Merlin. Find someone else."

Morgana handed him the two books and her friend had picked up the rest of the papers that had fallen out.

"Thank you." He said before making a sharp exit.

* * *

Gaius had asked him questions but like everything, he felt like he could tell him the truth. The problem was, like everything, Gaius knew Uther and he didn't feel comfortable saying that one of his uncle's friend's son's friends tripped him up and the son almost threw his books in a bush if it wasn't for his sister. He just blamed it on his clumsiness. It was easier that way.

The door of the shop was heavy and even on the best days, it slammed shut, signally that there was a customer. Merlin was glad that his uncle didn't jump out of his seat. There was someone at the counter to serve them. It was more when a very familiar voice called out for Gaius that Merlin realised that he was still not safe from Arthur.

Merlin watched his uncle leave him while he spoke to Arthur.

"Arthur, my boy, what can I do for you?"

"I… I have this piece of science homework that I really just… don't get. The teacher explained it to me in three different ways and it just isn't going in. She is going to do a test tomorrow and she said that if anyone got below a certain score then they would have to come back after school. I have training after school. I can't miss it."

If what happened between them earlier hadn't happened, then Merlin would have probably felt sorry for Arthur. It wasn't fair that the more traditional subjects were always pushed on students that talents lied somewhere else. Merlin knew that he just got maths which made understanding science easier.

"I thought you had someone helping you with this."

"It… didn't work out. Father was furious that he got him kicked out the school for whatever reason. He does pay for his schooling as he does for Gwen. Although I don't understand why Morgana needs Gwen. It isn't like she is struggling with English, or Maths, or any of the science or any subject to that matter."

If anything, Merlin had guessed Gaius' next words. He wanted them to stop him from saying them but didn't know how to.

"Why don't I introduce you to my nephew? I believe he is in the year below you but he is doing work for the year above him, which would be your year. I am sure he will help you out."

Merlin had stood up and got to the door, hoping that Arthur wouldn't see him.

"Gaius." He half whispered.

"You!" Arthur said.

Merlin knew that he had been seen and came out of the office. "I'm the nephew."

He knew that Gaius would want an explanation behind his behaviour but he knew that he could give that later. Arthur seemed to be pondering over what had been suggested to him.

"Father has said how he hasn't seen you in a while. You still don't open on a Sunday do you?"

"Only during the winter."

"Why don't you come over for lunch on Sunday? Bring your nephew and I will mention it to my father. I am sure that we could come to some arrangement."

Merlin had no idea what the arrangement would be but he was certain that his life had just changed forever.


	3. You're my passport home

You're my passport home  
My guiding light

**Chapter 3**

Arthur thought that there might be some coincidence in the fact that it was raining the day that his sister was going to come back to London for the first time in eight years. He was glad that she had let them know that she was alright after she ran off.

The train had come in and he started to wonder whether Morgana was still his sister. He had grown up with her by his side, telling him everything that he was doing wrong and trying to not make him be a man like his dad. But with her new Instagram and Facebook profile, he started to doubt that. She obviously found something out in her time away. Part of him wondered why she was coming back.

All his worries disappeared when he saw her and he was glad that she hadn't changed much in the eight years that she had been gone. She joined him underneath the umbrella and hugged him tightly. He placed his free arm around her. He never really realised how much he had missed her.

"Welcome back to sunny London," Arthur said as they pulled back.

"I did think that the south was meant to be warmer."

"Is that where you have been then? Up North."

"Glasgow mainly. Arthur… I just had to get away. You understood that, didn't you?"

"I did hope that it wouldn't take eight years for you to return home."

"You will just have to catch me up on the last eight years."

Arthur took her suitcase off of her as they walked towards the car. He could have got her up to speed on everything but he didn't want to. Her return was a good thing but he knew that it was going to open more than a few wounds. These were wounds that had already taken a long time to heal.

They got into the car and he knew that she is surprised that he is driving.

"Don't tell Dad. He doesn't like me driving. But I can't always rely on one of his drivers."

"I thought… Can you do me a favour?"

He could guess what she was going to say and what the favour was. It wasn't that he hadn't already thought about it.

"What favour?"

"I kinda don't want my boyfriend to find out about Uther and I really don't want Uther to find out about him. And I don't want to see Uther. I just want to stay away from him and my boyfriend as well. Can I stay with you?"

"Uther?"

"I found out a few things. Uther doesn't deserve to be called my father."

"Look, I wasn't going to take you to the grand Pendragon mansion, nor are you staying with me. I like my privacy now. Dad's put me in charge of his flats that he rents. One has been empty for a while so I have taken it off the market for as long as you need it. Rent free. I have told dad that it isn't finding a tenant so I am going to just tidy it up a bit. You know, give it a lick of paint and furnish it. I had to give him some excuse to actually have furniture for you."

He was surprised when Morgana launched herself forward and kissed his cheek.

"Thank you, Arthur."

They fall into a silence and Arthur knows that they have more to talk about. A question burns on the end of his tongue but he knows now isn't the time to ask it.

_Why did you feel like you had to leave when you did? Why couldn't you have waited just a couple of weeks?_

* * *

Morgana was grateful for the flat that Arthur had given her and in a weird sense, it was nice to be back in London. She focused on the good memories that she had rather than the bad ones. She knew that everyone would be asking for an explanation soon enough but they didn't know how bad things got between her and Uther and not even Merlin could have kept her in London.

She rested her head against the window as she picked up her phone and looked through the messages that she had sent Merlin. It was nice that he felt like they could talk like that again. It made her want to feel as though they could start again, that was if he wanted to start again with her.

She had a couple of weeks to sort herself out before Alvarr joined her in London and Merlin was on the top of her list. She knew that he deserved a proper explanation and she knew that he might understand her better than Arthur or Gwen. She presses to start writing him a message, telling him that she is in London now and wondering whether he could meet up with her.

Morgana couldn't help but sigh as she couldn't find the strength to message him that just yet. She pressed the back button and pulled down on the screen to refresh her feed. The first photo that pops up just so happens to be a picture of Merlin with a girl. She scrolled down to read the caption.

_Wishing we could be back in simpler times._

She couldn't stop herself from scrolling through the little gallery that he had posted or pressing on the profile that he had tagged in the photo.

Of course, Merlin wasn't going to wait for her to sort herself out. He wasn't going to wait around for eight years, hoping that she would come back to him.

With the girl's, Freya she assumed her name was, being private, she didn't request to follow her. Other than the fact that she didn't know the girl, she thought it would see a little weird. She didn't know how much Merlin had told this Freya about her.

It only confirmed to her that she shouldn't send Merlin that message nor should she meet up with him so soon. Maybe she would just keep everything that she had to say to him to herself for a little while longer.


	4. And almost fought your father when he pushed me in the yard

And almost fought your father when he pushed me in the yard  
And all those nights we snuck out, like to meet up at the bar

**Chapter 4**

_**2010** _

Even if going to Camelot Prep to help out Arthur meant that he had to leave the comprehensive that he went to and all his friends, Merlin couldn't help but enjoy his time there. The arrangement benefited both him and Arthur. For the first time, Merlin felt like he could actually achieve something with his life. His mum hadn't been fully for the idea, worried that she might have to contribute, but that was all part of the arrangement. As long as Merlin helped Arthur to keep his grades up, Uther paid for his tuition.

With the rocky start put behind them, Merlin found himself becoming fast friends with Arthur and was easily accepted into their friendship group. There were a few that had tried to take the mick out of him for being the poor boy in the rich people school and for being pushed up a year, but that all quickly fizzled out once they realised that if they took the mick out of Merlin, they had Arthur, Morgana and half the football team. He might have been the youngest in the group but no one ever treated him that way.

Once it was out that he knew Arthur and Morgana, he jumped in popularity and was invited to every party that Arthur and Morgana were invited to. He could have had his pick of any girl that he wanted but he still wanted only one. He was still madly in love with Morgana and he was more than certain that she didn't like him in that way.

Why would she like him in that way?

* * *

Merlin had been to the Pendragon mansion a number of times. He had to go there to help Arthur with his homework if he didn't come to the coffee shop. He had never slept over though and the thought was enough to make him rather nervous. He had only seen Uther a handful of times as well.

But Arthur had it all okayed and he told Merlin to stop being a wuss.

It didn't help that, that night was a lot of first for Merlin. It wasn't his first party, but it was the first time he had drunk alcohol and definitely didn't know his limit. It also so happened to be the first time that his kissed Morgana. It was a night that he wished that he could remember all of the details and it annoyed him still that he had got as drunk as he did. But then again, he might not have actually had the courage to join in the game of spin the bottle.

He was dragged into the game by some girl that he knew had a crush on him. He was certain that she had sent him a valentine card for the last three years. He was sat down with a small group of people, with most of the girls being from his 'fan club'. It was Arthur that noticed how every time a group of certain girls saw Merlin, they couldn't help but say hello to him and run off giggling. It probably didn't help that Merlin always felt so awkward around people that he didn't know well. That probably didn't help things.

Morgana joined the game just before the first person spun the bottle. There were quite a few people in the circle that weren't particularly happy that she had joined. All Merlin knew was that when it was his turn, he really wanted the bottle to land on her as the first person kissed the person that their spin landed on. Merlin was certain that drunken courage was a thing as it reached him. He watched the bottle spin in anticipation to who it would land on.

There was no dispute that it landed square on Morgana. He could tell that there were a lot of disappointed people. He could only gulp as she stood up to walk over to him.

"Come on then Merlin. Show me what you got."

He wasn't certain what he should do. He didn't know whether he should have stood up like her or just remain where he was. It was confusing enough without the person that he had a crush on for the last three years walking over to him to kiss him. He was glad that he didn't move as she straddled his lap and cupped his face.

Kissing Morgana was exactly how he expected it to be and his mind finally caught up with him as he wrapped his arms around her to bring her closer to him. He wanted to let her know that if she wanted this that he did too. There was a moment when she pulled back and looked down at him. He didn't know whether that was the moment that she saw him more than her brother's friend or not.

She was the one to stand up and tell them that she hadn't enough of the game and grab his hand to move him away. He had no idea where they were going but he hoped that he would remember only that part of the night.

* * *

_**2011** _

It was from that night that Merlin decided that he would only drink in moderation. Almost being sick on an expensive rug in the Pendragon mansion was enough to put anyone off drinking for a lifetime. Arthur hadn't helped by telling him in the morning that it was a one of a kind rug and more money than Merlin ever hoped to have.

It did have it's perks as well. It meant that there was always one person who was sober enough to make sure that they got back to the Pendragon mansion fine. If he was old enough, he probably would have been the designated driver.

He enjoyed the parties that they were invited to. It was the only time that he felt like he could be more himself with Morgana other than when they would go out on dates alone. They always felt like someone was watching them. Merlin was probably the last person that Uther would want to go out with Morgana but he knew personally that she'd had worse boyfriends than him. He could safely admit to himself and his mum that he loved her.

It was a rare night when Uther was at the Pendragon mansion that things started to go wrong.

Arthur had given Gwen a piggyback and they had set off ahead while Merlin and Morgana were slowly walking, taking in the night. He knew that Morgana was in her happy place of being drunk. He could have a proper conversation with her but she would tell him every five minutes that she loved him. It made him crave more what Arthur and Gwen had. Uther didn't understand how serious Arthur's relationship with Gwen was. He just thought it was some fling. They could at least be more themselves around him. Merlin had to settle with stolen glances.

Thinking that with Arthur and Gwen going off ahead of them, Merlin was surprised to see them stumbling around with Arthur's keys, trying to find the right one to put into the door. And maybe if they had just tried the door, Uther would never have stormed out when Morgana pulled Merlin round to kiss him. It was more than strange to be pulled from kissing someone but even more so when it was their dad.

Merlin fell to the floor and he just about registered Uther telling Morgana to get inside as he stood up. It was strange to see that side of Uther and part of Merlin was worried when Uther shouted at him never to go near his daughter again because Merlin wasn't worthy of her. Gwen must have taken Morgana inside because Merlin was certain that she didn't see him push Uther when he started to bad mouth about his dad. Merlin had never had the fortune to met his dad, that was if he was still alive. Arthur stopped it from going any further, even in his drunken state and started to push his dad back inside. Uther shouted that he was never welcomed to the Pendragon mansion again.

Merlin had calmed down when Arthur came back outside and told him that he has calmed his father down and was going to make sure that he could still attend Camelot Prep without his mum having to pay a penny. He just couldn't allow Merlin to come in now. Merlin told him that he understood and that he had a key to the flat above the coffee shop. They could meet there for a hangover cure. Arthur's hand on Merlin's shoulder was meant to be comforting but he knew that this was going to change things. Arthur didn't know how Morgana's relationship with Uther was breaking down and if Merlin wanted to pinpoint an event that was the start of everything that happened, he would choose this point.

* * *

There was a slight importance to find somewhere else to go to after parties. With Merlin's house being quite central, his small house would house them for a night. It did also mean that they could be more together. Arthur and Gwen would take the spare room while Morgana would share Merlin's single bed. His mum was more than happy to allow them to stay and Merlin could only imagine that she was happy for their sleep arrangements once he introduced Morgana as his girlfriend when they first met.

It did make it easier for their first time together. Morgana had waited for his sixteenth birthday before she brought up the subject again. Sex had been mentioned during their first months together but Merlin had told her that he didn't feel ready. She was happy to wait for him to be ready. He just wished that she would have waited for him later.

It was one of these particular nights, the night of 12th March 2011, that Morgana first mentioned about running away. It had been just over a month since the incident with Uther and even if she hadn't said anything, Merlin could tell that her hatred towards Uther had grown. He had told her that she was off to university soon and that she would be out of Uther's clutches. It was the reason why she had chosen the University of Essex. It was far away enough that she would have to stay but close enough so he could visit.

He should have known that she was planning something when she told him that she had decided to put university off until next year. She told him it was because she wanted another year with him and so that when he went to university, he would only be one year behind her.

He could of and probably should have told her a number of things that night and for some reason he settled with telling her that she can't stay for him. She has to live her life. Her own stubbornness told him that she could do it and that she was going to.

If Merlin was being honest with himself, he saw all the signs. He should have known that she was going to do what she did. He just didn't know how to stop it.


	5. And it's Friday night and it's kicking in

And it's Friday night and it's kicking in  
And I can't dress, they're gonna crucify me

**Chapter 5**

Merlin wasn't certain whether he was just doing a good job at staying away from Morgana or if it was just because she was equally trying to avoid him. Arthur had told him that she was back in London and where she was staying. He also said that he was here for him if he wanted to talk about anything and there was so much that Merlin wanted to tell Arthur but knew that he couldn't. Morgana being back complicated a lot.

Although there was one thing that he was sure about. He felt like he had tried to stay away from Morgana for Freya's sake. Freya may have known all about their relationship and how Morgana broke his heart, but there was more to her return than Merlin suspected.

He pushed open the door to the hospital ward, trying to awkwardly hide the big bunch of flowers behind his back.

"Merlin, really. You don't have to get me flowers each time." Freya said from her bed.

"I didn't last time and anyway, these look a little dead."

He rested the new flowers on her bed beside her and watched out of the corner of his eye as she picked them up and smelt them. He took the old flowers out of the vase and threw them away before he replaced the water and started to arrange the new flowers. He wished that he could take her somewhere where he could spend all day trying to find the right flowers for her. Or just a picnic in some meadow. He wanted her to anywhere but in the hospital. He dropped into the seat next to her bed after he had finished.

"I saw your Instagram post."

He smiled at her. "They were simpler times."

"I wish that things could be that simple again."

Merlin nodded. "Morgana's back."

"Really?"

"Arthur picked her up from the tube station two weeks ago."

"Should it matter that she is back?"

"I just… just feel like everything is happening at once. Like with you and her returning."

"Merlin..."

"I know I shouldn't worry too much. She will be gone as quickly as she returned. What is important to me is you and only you."

She smiled at him. "Even after the news that we were given the other month. You are more optimistic than I am."

"Look medicine has come so far and so have cancer treatments. The news the other month doesn't mean much. They will be able to put it into remission and then we can have our lives back."

Freya beckoned him forward and he leant forward. The way that she kissed him allowed him to know that it was what she wanted deep down. They both wanted their lives back and to try and get their relationship back on track. They should be thinking about settling down now.

"You would have been a good doctor."

* * *

In all the good that Merlin thought he had done in avoiding Morgana, he knew that there was always going to be a point when he would kind of have to face her. He wished that Arthur had managed to get the usual gang together to go out or at least Gwen as well, but for some reason, Merlin found himself in a club with just Arthur and Morgana for company. Arthur would have happily just gone out with Morgana to save him from any awkward conversation but Merlin knew that he had to be there slightly.

Arthur had been an up and coming star in the football world and his face was very well known due to being picked for the England squad. He would have been a star if it was for a 'friendly' match that went wrong. Merlin had been at that game when someone tried to tackle Arthur but instead basically just jumped onto his knee. Arthur had been told that he was lucky to get away with just tendon damage but even without his knee being broken, it put an end to that dream. Merlin had only just got to grips with the offside rule.

Even if he wasn't still a footballer, there was many a girl that had tried to throw themselves at him. Most of them would leave them alone once they had seen Arthur kiss Gwen and it was why they usually only went out as a big group, whether Gwen was there or not.

Merlin knew that it would be up to him to get rid of the girl that Arthur was currently talking to. He suspected that Morgana must have gone to the toilet to leave Arthur alone while he was getting the drinks in.

On a usual night out, if this situation was to happen. Percy would act like Arthur's bodyguard and hand the poor girl over to Gwaine, who would give her the night that she wanted. Merlin never asked too many questions about what happened. He felt like it wasn't his business to know what happened exactly. It was what Uther had organised to happen.

But Merlin was on his own and there was no way that he could allow Morgana to even try and pose as Arthur's girlfriend.

He handed Arthur his drink before leaning in to hear what Arthur wants to say to him.

"Please get rid of her. She is driving me insane."

With Morgana definitely not insight, he knew that he would have to do what he needed to do. Merlin leant over to the girl.

"He is taken."

"So he says. But I don't care. He is Arthur Pendragon." The girl said back to him.

"I care."

There was a way that Arthur looked at him and nodded. Merlin knew what he was insinuating.

"You are definitely not his type," Merlin told the girl.

"So what is his type then?"

"Me."

Merlin found the strength to stand back up and turn to Arthur and kiss him. He would admit to himself that kissing Arthur was everything that he expected it to be and more. He was glad when Arthur pulled him a little closer with his free arm. He could see that the girl wasn't happy about her night being ruined by not getting with the famous footballer but Merlin knew the importance of not allowing that to happen again.

"Thanks for that mate," Arthur said.

"Don't say it. It got her away."

"But are you going to be okay?"

"What? With kissing you, Freya situation and Morgana being back. My life seems to be a bundle of joy at the moment."

"I am only thinking of you."

"What the hell was that?"

Merlin turned to see that Morgana had rejoined them. He handed her drink.

"What was what?" He asked her.

"Are you trying to properly piss Uther off? Kissing the golden boy."

There was a moment of anger that just grew in him. He willed himself not to say something and there was a part of him that felt like he didn't have to explain himself to her. But there was something that just couldn't stop himself from saying something.

"If you were here, you would know."

He knew that she was taken aback by him. They really needed to have a proper conversation. They needed to talk about why she ran and why she couldn't have waited for him. He needed her to know the impact that it had on his life. But he didn't want to explain it in a club where they could barely hear each other speak. Nor did he want to explain why he kissed Arthur and really, really enjoyed it and why Arthur didn't mind what he had just done.

It was just a very long story that would open too many wounds that had healed years ago.


	6. I'm calling you up, you tell me it's over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I am going to try and keep this short and sweet... The short is I am a Mergana shipper that had a small crazy idea... I am not going to say that the idea was a good idea... But I am a Mergana shipper who has always seen Merlin and Arthur as the best of friends, even brothers... Okay?

I'm calling you up, you tell me it's over  
Say what you want, but it's hard when you're young

**Chapter 6**

_**2011** _

The last thing that Merlin had expected was for Morgana to be calling him. He had told her that he just needed a few hours just to concentrate and then he would help her with anything that she wanted to go through. He had to get these exams. He had to do well.

As his phone rang for the second time, and he just hoped that Morgana could wait for him to write down what he was thinking. She was persistent and he picked up the call as she rang him for the fifth time in succession.

" _Merlin, I think I am in trouble."_

He could hear the noise behind her. "Where are you? I can come and get you."

" _I don't need you to come and get me nor do I want you to worry about me. I am at Euston, about to board a train to get me as far from London as I can."_

"Why? Why do you think that you are in trouble?"

" _Because I can't be around Uther any more. I just feel like I have been lied to my whole life and it makes no sense to me. Uther is going to want to find me. You have to get Arthur to put him off. I don't want to be found. I just want to find out about my real parents without him getting in the way."_

"Morgana, are you thinking rationally?"

" _Merlin, I don't know what to think."_

"Don't do this now. We can go looking for answers together. The summer holidays are coming up in a couple of weeks. We can't escape London for the summer."

" _But can you afford to Merlin? Can you afford to take six weeks away from your family? How will Gaius cope in the busy months? How will your mum find the extra money to pay the bills? I am sure that they will find a way but this is something I have to do on my own. Merlin, I am breaking up with you."_

Her words hit him hard. "What?" He breathed.

" _I have been nothing but trouble Merlin. Look how your life has changed massively with Arthur and myself in your life. Arthur has opened up possibilities that I am sure that you had only dreamed of. I have only brought trouble and misery to your life. You have found out about your father because of our relationship and his connection to Uther. I can't put you under the same strain that he put your father under. I won't and can't do that to you. Look, I will treasure the time that I had with you but Merlin, you always have deserved better than me."_

He could think of the words that he wanted to say but he felt his world fall apart as his phone beeped, signalling that she had ended the call.

* * *

"She will be back."

Merlin wanted to believe Arthur's words but every time it went to Morgana's voicemail, he knew that she was slipping further away from them. Arthur swiped the phone off of the table before Merlin was able to call her again.

"She has done this before. She will be back. She just needs a little space."

"I am not sure she will."

"Whys that?"

"She broke up with me. Who do you think brought her home when she said that she was going only a few weeks ago? She has cut all ties. She isn't coming back and I don't even know where to start to look for her." Merlin couldn't hold his anger any longer. "I told her to wait. She brought it up again the other day. I told her to wait. I just had to do my exams. We could have run together. She waited a year, a whole year, for me once. Now she couldn't even wait a couple of weeks. Why couldn't she have waited?"

He saw Arthur's confused look and Gwen reminding him by pointing to her ring finger. All Morgana had to do was to wait for his exams to be over. He needed at least his GCSEs. He couldn't just run off with her without any qualifications. He wasn't that stupid. She was obviously. She could have gone to university. She could have had the thought that she was free from Uther in a couple of months time. He had even told her that she was welcomed at his if she didn't want to stay at the Pendragon mansion. He had given her a way to escape Uther.

"It will get better Merlin," Gwen said.

He looked up at his friends. These two were the only ones who knew the true extent to which he had fallen for Morgana. They were the ones that he had trusted with his secret. They were the ones that had watched him work hard to get the money together. He knew that they would be the ones to help him over this but he knew that he would probably shut himself off from them. They didn't need him getting in the middle of what they had.

"I don't see how it will."

Gwen was the first one to hug him. The way that she wrapped her arms around him meant that she lost her balance and ended up falling into his lap. Arthur joined them and even if Merlin didn't want to get in the middle of what they had, he knew that they weren't going to let him do this alone. In fact, Merlin could probably pinpoint that to the moment when he thought that he might actually like to be in between his two best friends.

Or at least that was the beginning of his crush on Arthur.


	7. So put it in all of the papers, I'm not afraid.

So put it in all of the papers, I'm not afraid.  
They can read all about it, read all about it, oh.

**Chapter 7**

There was definitely a moment when Arthur had thought about turning around and heading back to his bedroom and only leaving it when he was summoned. Merlin had, of course, already warned him about what cover the front pages of the newspapers and, for once, Arthur wasn't worried about the repercussions on himself. He really hoped that Merlin was okay. The last thing that Arthur wanted to do was hurt one of his only true friends.

With a sigh, he entered the dining room, knowing that the conversation that he was about to have was one that would be better done with now.

"Morning father."

When he got nothing from his dad, Arthur looked towards the newspaper as he sat down, seeing the photo of him and Merlin. Again, his thoughts turned to his friend. He was in for a lecture and he knew that it would help if he had caffeine in his system. The coffee in the pot was cold and gritty but Arthur didn't feel like he deserved nice coffee. The hangover he had was enough to tell him that he didn't deserve something nice.

He wasn't certain whether his dad would say a word to him and he knew that Morgana was still half asleep as she entered the room before turning and trying to leave without being seen.

"Not so fast Morgana."

If anything, Arthur knew that Morgana might get the biggest lecture. She had been back for a good few weeks now. She could have gone and seen him at any time to try and smooth things over. It wasn't his fault that she hadn't taken his advice.

"I suppose you put him up to this." His dad said as he placed the newspaper down in front of Morgana as she sat down.

"In all honesty, I wasn't there for most of that," Morgana said.

"Like I would believe you."

"And if you still wonder why I wanted to leave here, there is your answer."

"Father, none of my other friends could come out with us and Gwen wasn't there to pose as my girlfriend. There was this girl and she wouldn't take no for an answer. It was my idea." Arthur said.

"To kiss your pathetic PA?"

"She left us alone. I mean, Merlin isn't a bad guy."

"I will second that," Morgana added.

"And probably if I was gay, I would date Merlin."

"Really?"

"You don't think I could date Merlin?"

"Yeah but… Gwaine?"

"Gwaine? That flirt. No, Merlin all the way. If I had to pick a guy, Merlin would be my guy. I need someone with a romantic side. I don't need someone who would just be there for the sex."

"I suppose."

"Go on, if you had to pick a girl," Arthur asked.

"Well, Gwen is more than just beautiful."

"What? Chose the good girl to counteract your bad girl?"

"Gwen can be a bad girl."

"Maybe when you were influencing her."

"Maybe you should ask where she learnt everything she knows."

"Stop!" Uther shouted. "I did not raise you to be like this. Now I suppose that you are going to make yourself scarce, Morgana. And Arthur, Rodon and Mithian are coming for lunch. I expect you to be smartly dressed and not smelling like a brewery. Understood?"

"Yes, father."

Arthur couldn't hide his smile but at least held his laughter in long enough for his father to have left the room before he let it out. He was glad that Morgana laughed with him.

"Come on, I will show you the back entrance. Gwen and Merlin use it all the time."

"Aren't they allowed in?"

"Gwen has no excuse to come over after you left and as for Merlin, let's just say that Dad never got over that night."

Arthur knew that she knew which night he was referencing and if he thought back, he wondered whether that night was when things started to go wrong for them.

* * *

Arthur had been polite during the meal and being honest, Mithian was a beautiful woman who was intelligent and would make any man happy. He was certain that she was as disinterested in this arrangement as he was. It was nice for someone to be of the same opinion as him when it came to these dinners. There has been many willing to sit down for dinner and start a sham of a relationship. The fact that their fathers thought that this was okay was barbaric. They lived in the 21st century, not 6th.

Arthur knew that the only way that they could get some time alone was to go out to the garden. His father actively encouraged it.

"And they say that we have come a long way," Mithian said as they stepped outside.

"I know. You have all these people harping on about how things have changed. I am completely with those that say things still need to change more." He paused for a moment. "I am not available."

"I guessed that from the papers this morning."

He laughed. "I not with Merlin. He is just a friend. I have a girlfriend that my dad has never agreed with. He has always seen it as a fling that was going to end once I found a proper girl. His words, not mine. Merlin was just helping me out last night. There was this girl who wouldn't leave me alone."

"I suppose that comes with being an ex-footballer."

"That is basically it. Dad makes go out with my group of friends. I have a friend who is a PT and he is this big guy and he acts like my bodyguard and sort of just guides the woman to another friend of mine that will… I don't really know, that is usually when we lose him and I have never really asked. I think it is something that my dad has set up."

"And last night?"

"Last night I was just out with Merlin and my sister."

"Not the girlfriend?"

"The girlfriend would have helped. No, Gwen had a family event. It isn't very often that her family all meets up like they did last night."

"And Morgana is back. I thought she was gone for good, or at least that is what the papers were insinuating."

"The papers were never going to know Morgana as I know here. She was always going to return in her own time."

"Do you know why she left? And maybe more importantly, why she has returned?"

Arthur sighed. "I haven't asked her yet. I don't know how to ask her. The problem with her disappearance is that it didn't just affect her. It affected so many people and some harder than others. I don't exactly want to be opening old wounds."

"Well, she must have left for a reason. Maybe it is the same reason why she has returned."

"I don't think so. I think she has returned for a completely different reason. I don't think she will stay. I think she is just looking for another reason to leave."


	8. It's a beautiful night, we're looking for something dumb to do

It's a beautiful night, we're looking for something dumb to do  
Hey baby, I think I wanna marry you

**Chapter 8**

There was one thing that Morgana would allow herself to say that she had missed and that was a coffee from Gaius' coffee shop. She had been to so many independent coffee shops trying to get the same feel and taste but failing to. The only reason that she hadn't been there since she had come back was her fear of running into Merlin. Now that they had met up again, she felt like she could go in there. With the weather changing very little since she arrived back in London, it was perfect to spend the afternoon there after doing a little shopping.

She was surprised to see Merlin standing behind the counter. It was a very familiar sight and one that was oddly welcoming.

"Still helping out then?" She asks as she reached the counter.

"It could be seen like that."

"What do you mean by that?"

"What do you want? From the shop. Some of us don't have all day to just stand around and talk."

She was taken aback slightly. "Whatever you called what I used to have."

He picked up a cup and started to make it. She hoped that it would taste like what she remembered it tasting like. She knew that she probably should have let it be but she hadn't been the best at letting things be.

"You have a lot of free time for being a doctor."

"I am not a doctor."

"Why? It was what you wanted to do."

"Things didn't work out that way."

"So other than helping out Gaius, what do you do?"

"I am Arthur's PA, when Uther allows it. When I said that it could be seen that I still help out, I mean there is more to it than when I was 16. I part own the shop now."

"Really?"

"Yes."

She found herself scoffing. "You had a lot more ambition than that."

"Well, things change."

"What changed?"

He placed the drink down in front of her. "Will that be all?"

The man in front of her was familiar but the look and the anger was something that she hadn't seen in him before and she was certain that it was all directed at her. Arthur hadn't told her what had happened. How was she meant to know what had happened?

"Merlin, it is three o'clock."

It broke Merlin out of the mood that he was in and he turned to look at the big clock on the wall. Gaius moved next to Merlin to take over his place. Merlin took off his apron and placed it underneath the counter. She thought that was the end of it until he leant over the counter.

"There was one point that you waited a year for me. Why couldn't you have waited a couple of weeks?" He whispered.

She knew that she had to ask Arthur about it now. There was something that she was missing. The one thing that she hadn't missed was that Merlin had probably left all his plans because of her disappearance. It wasn't what she wanted. It was the reason that she broke up with him.

* * *

The walk to the hospital had done him some good and by the time he had reached the ward that Freya was on, he had calmed down. It had put him in a good mood knowing that Freya was having a good day. He just hoped that she was going to make his day better.

Of course, Morgana was going to come into the shop on the one day that he wished that she didn't. Of course, she was going to ask questions that he didn't want her to ask. The problem was, this should have been them. What he was about to do was what he had planned to do six years earlier. He loved Freya. He knew that he did. But only because the plan six years ago didn't go to plan.

He placed his hand in his pocket just to make sure that the little box was still there before he pushed open the door. He walked to her bedside with a smile.

"I should have brought more flowers. Those are almost dead."

Freya automatically shook her head at him. "You can bring some next time if you really must." She paused for a moment. "I am glad to see you."

"So am I."

"You have been the talk of the ward with the news article."

"That. This girl wouldn't leave Arthur alone. I couldn't think of anything else to do."

"Are you okay though?"

"Of course. Arthur has asked me every day since it happened."

"He is only trying to be a friend."

"I know. I know. Still didn't mean that it didn't hurt a little. But we didn't go out with the gang and it was down to me to try and get this girl to leave him alone."

"But you have got to think about yourself sometimes."

"Probably didn't help that the only reason we were out was due to the fact that Morgana wanted to go out. It would have been chaos if it was just them two."

"Again, you have got to think about yourself sometimes. Your selflessness is something that I love about you but it isn't good to be like that all the time."

"I know." He snorted. "Every time I try and do something for myself, it just seems like I just get knocked back. Which is why I had more ambitious plans and thoughts about how I was going to do this but I suppose that beggars can't be choosers."

"Wait. Do what?"

He thought that she might have guessed. He knew that she definitely would when he got the little box out of his pocket and opened it up towards her. There wasn't some big speech that he had prepared. They didn't have the time for that. He knew that they didn't have the time for that. He just needed to ask her the question.

"Freya, will you marry me?"


	9. The time we stole your daddy's car

The time we stole your daddy's car  
And drove around 'til it got dark

**Chapter 9**

_**2010** _

Living in London, there was noise all the time. There was always a siren going off or some disgruntled driver beeping their horn at some other driver. So Merlin paid little attention to the horn beeping outside of his house until it became persistent. He looked out of his window to see Morgana in one of her dad's cars, waving him down. He grabbed his jacket off the back of his bedroom door and shouted a goodbye to his mum before running out of the door.

"What are you doing?"

"The reason why I was being so secretive was that I didn't want to get your hopes up. I passed my test this morning and went straight home to put insurance on this car so that we could go out. I mean, dad doesn't know about the insurance or that the car is gone but he always told me that this was his least favourite car as he brought it as a bit of a middle life crisis."

"You do realise that could still be classed as stealing. If I want to be a doctor, then I can't be arrested."

She laughed at him. "I have told Arthur what I am doing and hopefully he will leave out the part that I am with you but I do want to spend one of the last days of the holidays with her boyfriend before we have to return to the hell that is school."

There was still a part of Merlin that couldn't believe that when Morgana Pendragon said her boyfriend, she meant him. It still felt so new even if they had been dating for the best part of six months.

"We haven't seen a lot of each other," Merlin said as he got into the passenger seat.

"You have been working most of it."

"I wish I hadn't but Gaius has been so short-staffed that even Mum has had to take time off of her job to help out. He was relying on staff coming back from uni for the summer but they didn't and didn't tell him until the last minute."

"Things will get better Merlin."

"I know, I do keep telling myself that and everyone else keeps saying it. I just wonder when it will."

"How about we leave that for the moment and you direct me to that place that you have been telling me that you would take me all summer."

* * *

Merlin was certain that he had found happiness as he rested his cheek on the top of Morgana's head as the looked out towards London. He knew that he would never be able to find the words to express how important Morgana was to him and what he truly felt for her. He knew that one day he might be able to organise his thought enough to tell her but he also knew that at that moment, everything was perfect.

"This place is perfect Merlin."

He knew why she felt that way. There was no expectation for them both where they were. There was no Uther to tell Morgana what to do and there was no Merlin having to be the perfect son to help out his heavily in debt mother and uncle. It was miles away from where they had to be and all the anxieties of life.

"I know."

Morgana sighed and he was worried about the words that were going to come out of her mouth.

"I know what I said when we started dating but as the new year of school starts, I think we might have to make our relationship more official. Like, tell people that we are together. Maybe with a little hope, dad won't find out. Just there will be so many boys that will think that I am single and even if I say that I am not interested, some of them don't know the meaning of no. Arthur can't be the protective brother all the time. I might just need a protective boyfriend as well."

"Don't worry Morgana. I understand and it's fine. I want us to be official. It will help me out as much as it will you."

"Your little fan club? You do know that if you thought people noticed you before because you were friend with Arthur, they are going to notice you a hell of a lot more being the boyfriend of Morgana Pendragon. Is it something that you want? The gossip? People asking you what I am like? Even questioning you as to why you are going out with me?"

"And they will never know the truth though. They see you as this rich kid who gets everything that she asks her 'daddy' for. I know you better Morgana. I don't care for the gossip because I know that you aren't that person. Look the rumours about you were unjust. We know the truth. We know that you aren't like that. It was just a stupid drunken mistake, and we all know that. Everyone else can think what they like."

"Your fan club is going to be so disappointed."

"I thought that was what you were hoping for. I thought that was why you joined the game."

"And aren't you so glad that it fell on me?"

Again, Merlin found himself lost for words. It was a night that he just about remembered but he could remember the shock of the bottle landing on her and the way her lips felt on his. It was a memory that he would cherish.

"More than glad Morgana. I don't think that there is a word that describes how happy I was. You mean everything to me and if I could give you the world, I would. Just… Always be by my side. Always wait for me to catch up."

"Merlin, at the moment, there is nowhere else I would rather be."

The 'at the moment' bit was slightly lost on him. He knew that he would think about it much later when she ran off, but it sort of gave him that answer that he wanted and he was happy with that.


	10. 'Cause I got time while she got freedom

'Cause I got time while she got freedom  
'Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even

**Chapter 10**

"I have just seen Merlin and he was acting really weird," Morgana said as she entered Arthur's flat.

"Really?"

"Yeah, he told me that there was one point that I would have waited a year for him before he asked why couldn't I couldn't have waited a couple of weeks for him. Or something like that."

There was a way that Arthur and Gwen looked at each other and she knew that something must have happened. Gwen jumped up off of the sofa and moved towards the bedroom.

"Gwen, no," Arthur said.

Gwen turned back. "Even if Morgana is our friend, she deserves to know. We know that he won't tell her. She needs to know the extent of it."

They were acting just as weirdly as Merlin was and she didn't know whether she wanted to know the extent of whatever was making them act weirdly.

"What did Merlin mean when he asked me why I couldn't have waited a couple of weeks?"

"What did you wait a year for him for?"

She didn't really like the question. She knew why Arthur was asking but she thought that the answer was sort of obvious.

"I will remind you that Merlin is a year and a half younger than me. Just because I was 16 and legally allowed to have sex, doesn't mean that Merlin was and whether he felt ready for that. I was prepared to give him the time. It was a different time and a different… frame of mind."

"I thought it was probably that." He sighed. "Look, I understand that your relationship with dad was breaking down but all you had to do was wait for Merlin to have done his exams. You didn't even have to do yours. You would know everything. If you had just spoken to Merlin, you would have known that he was completely up for spending his whole summer trying to find out whatever you felt like you had to run away to find out. For Christ sakes Morgana. He had saved the money and was constantly looking up train tickets and whether it would be cheaper just to buy a cheap car."

Morgana just about noticed Gwen and she didn't even see the scrapbook until Gwen dropped it onto the worktop.

"You moved it again."

"He almost found it again. I had to move it."

"What is that?" Morgana asked as she pointed towards it.

Gwen rested her arms on it. "If you had waited just a couple of weeks, you would know exactly what this was about. And before you ask, Merlin does know about this. He just believes that we threw it away or something like that. I had to keep it. I had put far too much work into it for it just to be thrown away." She opened it up and pushed it towards Morgana. "On the day of what would have been your last exam, Merlin had planned to take you the hill that he had taken you previously and propose to you."

Morgana had only got a couple of pages in before her attention was turned back to the only friend she had ever known.

"Merlin was going to propose."

"You never knew how much you meant to Merlin. He was already planning this perfect day for you. He had to kinda tell us what he was planning because he had to make sure that you would like what he thought you would like. He even asked Arthur for your hand rather than asking Uther because he knew how much your relationship with Uther had broken down. This was meant to be your wedding. This was all the ideas that we had. Merlin was hoping that you two could go and search for answers and then come back. He was going to tell you that Hunith was happy to have to live with them. And Hunith would have probably given her permission for Merlin to marry you at 16 but he was willing to wait until he was 18 to marry you."

If Morgana hadn't already felt guilty, she was definitely feeling it now.

"Morgana, you didn't see him," Arthur said. "You didn't see the way that he spent every waking moment trying to save up for the ring that he chose for you. You know Merlin. He is a proud man and wouldn't accept any of our help. You called him up and his world crashed around him. You disappear just before the exam period and you expected him just to get on with life. The worst part was you broke up with him. You cut all ties with London and you had no reason to come back. We watched as this bright kid who was taking his exams a year early fail all of his exams and be pulled back down into the year that he was meant to be in to have a second chance. When has Merlin ever failed an exam?"

"And that is why he isn't some doctor," Morgana whispered.

She was aware that the intercom had buzzed but she was too engrossed in the scrapbook to hear Merlin's voice and was confused when Gwen snatched the book off of her and threw it into the closest cupboard. It was only a few moments later that Merlin opened the door.

"How did it go?" Arthur asked.

Morgana could already tell that whatever he had done hadn't gone to plan and knew that he was disappointed by that. The shake of his head only confirmed that and Gwen walked up to him and threw her arms around him.

Morgana could only imagine that this is how it played out when she left. There was a way that Gwen hugged him and then Arthur walked over to comfort him further. She had obviously missed a lot.

Merlin cleared his throat. "I asked her but she said no. She didn't want to tie him down and she told me, again, that she doesn't really want me to see her any more. It just so happened that a few minutes later the doctor came and told us that it had finally spread to her brain and they have only given her a couple of weeks to live. I mean, I can understand. She doesn't want the last weeks of her life planning so quick wedding that will probably end up happening in the hospital anyway."

"Oh, Merlin," Gwen said.

There was a way that Merlin untangled himself from Gwen and walked over to the sofa, only stopping to take the small box out of his pocket and place in near to where Morgana was standing. Morgana knew that Merlin deserved the world. He deserved to have someone nice to settle down with. He just seemed to have all the bad luck.

"You have it, Arthur. I know that you will definitely have more luck than me."

It had drawn Morgana's attention off of Merlin for a moment and placed the thought in her head as to why Arthur and Gwen weren't married. They had been together for so long, she thought that Arthur would have just married Gwen, despite what Uther had to say. Maybe he hadn't grown the backbone that she thought he had.

"What are you going to do now?" Arthur asked.

"I will do what I have done for the past year, I will go and see her as often as I can, even if Freya doesn't want me to. I promised her that I would be there until the end and I am going to keep that promise."

Morgana could believe how out of place she felt but she didn't know how she was meant to leave.


	11. I don't need a reason, this is not your fault

I don't need a reason, this is not your fault  
I don't wanna know, I don't wanna know

**Chapter 11**

It was the right type of weather for the day. The rain hit the windows at a certain angle that, with the wind helping, it rammed against the windows, helping to fill their little corner with noise. Morgana knew that Merlin wanted to do more to celebrate Freya's life but she had asked for a simple funeral and no party, which was what Merlin had done.

She was grateful that she was trusted enough to be at the funeral. Whenever she was asked who she was, she would answer with Arthur's sister. If they asked her if she knew Freya, she would tell them not personally but she had heard many great things about her from Merlin, Arthur and Gwen.

There was a pub just down the road from the church and it had all been silently agreed that they were going to go there afterwards. Merlin ordered two drinks and knocked one back at the bar. Arthur and Gwen had given him enough worried looks for Morgana to join in. They were better friends to him.

It could have been totally and utter coincidence but as soon as the group of men came into the pub, Morgana knew that some sort of trouble would start. Even more so when she recognised one of them as her boyfriend. She was certain that he was going to let her know when he was coming down but she knew that Alvarr liked to play by his own rules. She finished the last part of her drink before asking if anyone else wanted one. She was slightly relieved when everyone groaned that they were alright.

She knew that there was no point in marching over to him. It would only draw attention to herself. She stopped at the bar just to the left of the group.

"Morgana?"

She turned towards him. "Alvarr? Why… When did you get to London?"

"Yesterday. Didn't you get my message?"

"Do you really think I would ask you that question or be surprised to see you if I knew that you were in London? Arthur's got us a flat."

"Is it one of daddy's?"

"It is one of Uther's. And before you ask, I have seen him, unfortunately. Luckily it was only briefly."

There was a way that Alvarr was looking that she knew his attention wasn't on her any more. She knew that the only thing behind her was the group that she was with. She would have regarded them as friends but they had changed so much and so had she. They weren't the same people they were back in secondary.

"Isn't that your ex?"

* * *

Merlin was slightly glad where he was sitting. He saw Alvarr enter and he saw Morgana talking to him. It was just another reminder that he couldn't have anything nice. The girl of his dreams disappeared and was dating someone new and the other girl that he loved had just been buried in the ground. Life was fair and he knew that it was only going to get worse.

"Who the hell is that?" Arthur asked.

"Alvarr, the boyfriend."

"Merlin, mate, you could say that with a little more spite," Gwaine said.

"I know. But after Morgana added me on Instagram, he tried to and sent me a message. I might have just gone through his photos and decided what type of guy he is."

"Morgana added you on Instagram."

"I knew before Arthur texted me. Well, I guess before Arthur text me."

"For heaven's sake Merlin," Arthur said.

"Look I was going to deal with this all in my own way. I know how to deal with this. I just didn't really think I would ever meet the guy."

It was if he heard Merlin's sentence as Alvarr started to walk towards them. He could tell that Morgana was trying to stop him but Merlin suspected that Alvarr did what Alvarr want to do.

"Merlin the wizard."

"Just Merlin will do. One would have to assume that you are Alvarr the rebel."

"What can I say? I can at least live up to mine."

"You haven't seen anything yet."

Merlin knew that he shouldn't be rising to Alvarr and that the only reason that Alvarr was talking to them was because Merlin told him that he was Morgana's ex. He could tell that Morgana didn't want this meeting to happen but it was. The sooner the better really.

"Cheer up. You all look so glum. Somebody died?"

There was no real rational reason as to why Merlin felt the need to stand up but he was glad that Alvarr took a little step backwards as the boys stood up with him. He could see Gwen shaking her head in his peripheral vision.

"Someone has. My girlfriend has just lost her year-long battle with cancer."

Merlin knew that it was just the grief but he really wished that he could just hit Alvarr. The way that he carried on smiling annoyed him and part of him just wanted a really good fight. The only problem was that he knew that Gwen and Morgana wouldn't like it and there was also the fact that Alvarr had his own group. There were no tellings what they might be carrying and he didn't really want to be barred from another pub due to fighting.

He watched as Morgana pulled on Alvarr's arm to get him to walk away from the group. He hoped that he would calm down. He couldn't be this angry all the time and he didn't know why he was angry. Was it because of the grief? Was it because he had now met Alvarr and he was real? Or was it because he knew that Morgana would never be his again? Or was it just because of what he had been asked to do?

There was one thing for sure. The over the top kiss that Alvarr gave Morgana was for no one else's benefit but his.


	12. Coming out of my cage

Coming out of my cage  
And I've been doing just fine

**Chapter 12**

"So, Alvarr."

"What about him?" Morgana asked.

"He is your boyfriend and I am pretty sure that he only came over to us because he was looking for trouble."

"Didn't really help when you and your knights all stood up?"

"Look, we did that to stop Alvarr and so that Merlin… Merlin felt like he wasn't on his own. I don't know what my best friend is thinking. I can only guess that he is going through the same emotions that he did eight years ago. I am trying to protect everyone else as much as I am trying to protect him."

Arthur knew that he had said a little too much and was grateful when Morgana didn't ask anything about it.

"I found Merlin on Instagram. It was no biggie, I was finding you all. The friends that I had left behind. The friends that I hadn't said goodbye to. I started to talk to Merlin. I had to know whether he… I had to let him know that I was coming back. I know that I left but as I have said to you many times since I came back, I am in a different mindset. I didn't expect everything to be the same way that it was when I left. There was one person that I had to tell that I was coming back and that was Merlin." She sighed. "He is still the one person that I need to talk to. Properly about what happened."

"How does this tie in with Alvarr though?"

"Alvarr… is a little… protective. He gets jealous easily. He saw that I followed you and I said that you were my brother, Gwen I said was my best friend. Merlin… I couldn't tell him the truth about Merlin. I told him that Merlin was your best friend. There was no way that Alvarr would be civil if he knew Merlin was my ex. Although he seems to know without me even telling him."

"And the kiss..."

"The kiss was just showing everyone there that I was his. He would probably brand me if he could. I know I am not painting him in the best light and there is a reason for that. Get inside Merlin's head. He needs to be careful. He doesn't really know who he is dealing with."

"And you do?"

"Arthur, I know Alvarr won't hurt me. Merlin… well, I know that he will definitely hurt Merlin. No matter how much I ask him to just let him be."

* * *

Merlin knew that he shouldn't have taken the shortcut. He had dropped the company car off in the nice part of London, where Uther kept all of the cars, and he was heading to Arthur's flat, in the nice part of London. But he knew that there were always rough parts of London, usually sandwiched between two nice parts. He should have stayed in the well-lit areas. He should have used the tube. But he wanted to get to his friend's faster and he wanted to save money. He couldn't afford to borrow any more money. He had to live on what he was given after he had paid off part of his debt.

The last person he wanted to see was Alvarr. He could feel his anger start to build up again and he had been able to place why he felt so angry. Morgana had told Merlin that she wasn't good enough for him, Merlin was more than prepared to tell Alvarr that he wasn't good enough for Morgana. Or it was because of what he had been asked to do.

Flicking the collar of his coat up, he hoped that he wouldn't be seen from the other side of the road.

If only he had been that lucky.

"Where are you going, Merlin the wizard?" Alvarr said as he stepped in front of Merlin

"Home. Not that it is anything to do with you."

Merlin tried to sidestep around him but Alvarr pushed him back.

"Not so fast. I might have a little job for you. I hear you are running around after Uther Pendragon."

"Look, I don't think I will be the right person for the job. I am too busy being Arthur's PA. It is a hard job. Plus I wouldn't be the right person for the job."

Alvarr laughed. "I don't really think you have much of a choice."

Merlin looked over his shoulder slightly. There were two guys now behind him and a third to his right side. With the wall to his left, he was stuck.

"I would pay you better."

"It isn't about the money. I like my job. There is this thing called job satisfaction."

"Let me ask you a question, Merlin. Do you think that Morgana is hot?"

There was just the way that he asked the question. Merlin knew it was a trap. He was damned if he said that he did think that she was hot but he was damned if he didn't. It was the reaction that Alvarr wanted.

"I know it has been a while since you last saw her. Has she got better with age? Would you like a night with her? I have taught her a lot. You could finally let loose some of your..."

"I am not falling for it Alvarr. I am not interested in Morgana in that way. And for the record. You might not think or like to think that we had sex when we were younger but I was her second."

There was a circle of laughter and Merlin had some feeling that he had done what Alvarr wanted him to do.

"I really, really don't think you are telling the truth." He paused for a moment. "Grab him, boys. I think he needs to be taught a lesson."

The two guys behind Merlin placed one of their hands on either shoulder and pulled him backwards before getting their arms over his shoulder and under his armpit. He wished that he had started to struggle earlier as he was dragged towards the alley behind him.


	13. 'Till now I always got by on my own

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry for the use of the word faggot. I tried to write it differently but nothing felt right... I, personally, wouldn't use that word. Ever. I am sorry I have used it here.

'Till now I always got by on my own  
I never really cared until I met you

**Chapter 13**

She knew that she was probably intruding on their home life, but Morgana felt great for spending most of the day at Arthur's flat. She enjoyed watching her brother and friend in their day to day life, pleased that not much had changed between them. Even if she felt like she was intruding.

The cute moment between Arthur and Gwen was destroyed by Gwaine almost falling through the door as he dragged Merlin through. She thought it was probably because he had to open the door at the same time. She could already guess what had happened even before Gwaine had dropped him onto the sofa. Gwen came over as soon as he dropped.

"I found him in some alleyway. Someone had got hold of his phone and somehow managed to get hold of me. I think I was the last person he had called or texted. Yours was the closest."

"I know. He was going to come here. I am calling an ambulance."

"No!" Merlin said, hissing. "It is only a few bruises and a potential cracked rib. Please stop prodding it, Gwen. There is nothing that the hospital can do about a broken rib."

"And not that if the ambulance is called, questions will be asked and it will potentially involve the police," Morgana said.

"It's not that."

"Don't be so stupid Merlin. I am not stupid. Alvarr did this."

"And this is what you mean by Alvarr is protective?" Arthur said.

"Look, I never expected anyone to get hurt. I didn't want anyone to get hurt. I couldn't have just upped and left Glasgow without telling him where I was going. He wanted to join me in London. I can't say that he can't because he would have just shown up unannounced. Don't put the blame on me, Arthur. I have already told you that I only called Merlin your best friend. I tried to imply that he had no connection to me other than being your friend because I didn't want him to get hurt."

"I will blame you. Alvarr has only been in our lives for what… Just a little over 24 hours and he has already beaten up my best mate. Maybe you should have come back if you were going to bring him and knew what he was like."

She knew that Arthur was angry. She was angry at Alvarr for what he had done. She had hoped that he would have lasted a little longer before he did something like this but that was obviously out of Alvarr's mental capacity.

"Well, I know when I am not welcomed." She muttered as she stood up.

There was this insane moment when she was stopped by Merlin grabbing her hand. The same feeling she had years ago when she first grabbed his hand after kissing returned and sent a spark through her body. If she hadn't already regretted running off a million times, she would have regretted it at that moment. Another moment of regret to add to the other moments. She squeezed his hand before slipping her hand out of his and collecting her things.

* * *

Morgana rested her head against the cool window as she looked out over London. There was a part of her that always knew that she never belonged in the city. She knew that she looked like one of those people that would thrive in city life but she found the countryside called for her. Her perfect place would be a cottage in the middle of nowhere, possibly raining, with a good book in her hand.

She sighed, knowing that Alvarr would soon wake up and find her not in their bed. Part of her couldn't stand being in the same bed as him sometimes and this was one of those times. He admitted to her straight away that he was the one that beat Merlin and then expected that she would have sex with him.

She had a couple of boyfriends before Merlin and there had been a couple since. But they had hadn't been Merlin. None of them were Merlin. None before and none since. The problem was that she had brought so much misery to his life and she knew that he had every right to be angry at her. She had basically destroyed his life.

"You had better not be thinking about that faggot."

"Don't use that word."

"But it is true. The papers were covered in pictures of him and Arthur."

"It still gives you no right to use that word to word. Just… You don't know the whole story. The papers don't know the whole story. I know that Merlin and Arthur are close and Merlin is one of the two people that Arthur would trust with his life."

"Really?"

Morgana found herself shaking her head. "You would never understand Alvarr. You are surrounded by yes men. Are any of your so-called friends actually your friends?"

He huffed and she knew that all she was getting from that question. She was right. Alvarr would never understand. He could never understand. She knew that he had never had or would ever have what they all had. She was the one to destroy that.

She was glad that her nightmares had returned. It may cause her to become an insomniac but it kept her away from Alvarr in the moments that she was annoyed at him. She considered messaging Merlin to ask if he was okay but she thought she had done enough damage for one night. She knew that in the coming weeks, things would blow over. Arthur wouldn't be mad at her and things would be how they were probably meant to be with her keeping her distance from Merlin and never telling him what she needed to tell him.

The secret words that she should have told him before Alvarr arrived. The words that she should have told him the day that she returned to London. Her apology, which was getting longer with each day that passed.


	14. I really wanna love somebody

I really wanna love somebody  
I really wanna dance the night away

**Chapter 14**

It has been a couple of months since Alvarr arrived in London and Morgana knew that Merlin was definitely keeping his distance, probably for both their sakes. He had seen him but there was nothing more than a hello passed between them. It didn't help her with the fact that she still hadn't apologised to him or that old feelings that she thought that she had repressed years ago had started to come through again.

She had seen a lot of Arthur and Gwen though, and Arthur had apologised to her for his behaviour that night, which she had accepted. She knew that she was just bringing misery to their lives, even if they continually told her that they were happy that she was back.

The only problem she had at the moment was if Alvarr and Merlin ran into each other again. It hadn't happened yet but part of her knew it was going to happen soon enough. It was why she was trying to resist the temptation to walk over to Merlin as he stood alone by one of the tables, sipping on the flute of champaign that was being handed out to everyone who was attending.

Morgana hadn't told Alvarr about the charity ball. She didn't want him there and she knew that he wouldn't want to go as soon as she mentioned that Uther was hosting it. She had just told him that she had been summoned to dinner at the Pendragon mansion. That at least stopped most of the questions.

She took the few steps and stood by his side, nudging his arm slightly. "Hi."

"Hi." He said as he turned towards her.

There was a moment when she felt the same way that she did when Arthur brought him to their lunch table for the first time. She had never been shy but Merlin just made her feel that way. She looked back toward the front.

"I thought you would be up there with Arthur and Uther." He said.

"Likewise."

"Oh, you obviously haven't heard. I am attending this event as Gaius' nephew rather than Arthur's friend. I know what you are going to ask. Uther has his moment as to what I can be to Arthur. Sometimes I am his PA, very rarely am I Arthur's friend. More regularly, it has been that I can't have any association with him. Although, new record this week with how quickly Uther has dismissed me from my job. Started again on Monday and by Friday I was being told to get out of the office and leave my key card at reception."

"Why?"

"Uther accused me of stealing from the company. Arthur is trying to clear my name."

"You must look forward to when Arthur will be the head of the company."

"At most I will have a constant job. Arthur will probably find me some other role. He doesn't like how after all this time I am still only his PA. I don't mind it. There are worse jobs out there."

"You can relax you know. Alvarr doesn't know about this and would never be invited to one of these events in a million years. Uther would have had to have met him beforehand. I am only here because Uther ordered me to be here. My plan is to spend the night with Gwen."

"I am not even allowed that luxury." He paused. "Uther might not like the thought of Arthur and Gwen together but Uther at least treats her with a little respect. I am probably not even allowed to talk to you."

"Are you really under Uther's thumb that much?"

"I get to spend the evening with Gaius in an environment that isn't the coffee shop. I am just grateful that I could still get in the door."

"But it might also be a good thing. You are a bachelor again. I am sure that there is a number of girls that would enjoy your attention tonight."

"Maybe."

She paused for a moment as she thought over her next question.

"I don't mind if you don't want to talk about it but why did you kiss Arthur that night we went out?"

"When Arthur became famous, we had to find ways to keep Arthur from doing anything stupid. Girls were always coming up to him and not leaving him alone. Gwen slapped one of them one night and we had to lie to the police that it was in self-defence when this girl called them on her. Anyway, Arthur would end up indulging them in a dance or a kiss just to get them to leave him alone. Until this one girl who started blackmailing him into starting a relationship with her or she would go to the papers telling them that Arthur raped her. I know bad. Uther sorted it out as always but there was always a plan to make sure that nothing like that happened again.

"The plan that Uther had come up with was that Percy was going to act like Arthur's bodyguard and sort of hand them over to Gwaine. I never asked Gwaine what he has done with these girls, I guess that he just gives them the night that they want and then they can at least say that they have slept with a friend of Arthur's. Just, there has always been another plan that Arthur, Gwen and myself came up with in the event that we went out not as a whole group. Basically, the plan was that I would pretend to be Arthur's boyfriend and before that night, we had never done it before. They never believe Gwen went she says that she is his girlfriend. We thought if they thought that he was gay, he might get left alone."

"Whose idea was that?" Morgana asked.

She watched as he turned away from her. "It was mine. I don't mind."

She leant forward a little bit before she could see what Merlin was staring at. She could admit that her brother looked handsome in his suit but she could see that there was a look in Merlin's eye that was more than that.

"Merlin… How much pain do you put yourself through? Freya and Arthur?"

"And you?"

"No, I put you through pain."

"I only started to toy with the idea that I was bisexual after you left. I haven't been with a guy though."

"Maybe this time might be the time."

He gave her a short laugh. "No. I just think I am more Pendragonsexual."

She didn't really stop him from walking off. She couldn't really see how she could.

* * *

There had been many things that Merlin knew that he shouldn't have done. He had many regrets in his life but he didn't know whether he should start to regret what was currently happening. He knew that the last thing that he should do was start an affair with Morgana but the way that she had pushed him up against the wall and kissed him brought back so many memories that he couldn't help but kiss her back. He brought his hands up to cup her face while her hands remained on his chest, balling up his shirt in her fists. There was a small moment of realisation when they and the way that Morgana placed her forehead against his let him know that he had to be the one to say it.

"We shouldn't."

"No. I shouldn't have left. Fuck Merlin, why do I always make a mess of things?"

"You don't make a mess of things."

"Really? You think that?" She paused for a moment. "I do have a room booked."

Merlin shook his head. "Morgana… I can't lose myself with you again. You have Alvarr. He beat me up just because he thinks that I still have feelings for you. Not that he isn't too far from the truth or anything. I can't allow you to get hurt."

"Merlin. There has always been only one person I have wanted since I first saw you walking on the other side of the road to the bus stop I was waiting at. And I let you go. I… I can't tell you how much I despise Alvarr. I… I call him my boyfriend but he is far from that. He is just someone that I pretend to be my boyfriend because I don't think I can escape him. Please Merlin, just for one night. Let me escape him."

Merlin found his strength leave him as she grabbed his hand and started to pull him away from the corridor. They remained to hold hands for their journey to the room but didn't kiss again until the door was closed behind them. Yet the excitement hadn't left Merlin and he let her take control as she pushed him up against the wall again. He could remember how she was when they were going out and the way that she was acting made him believe that Alvarr definitely wasn't treating her right. Morgana liked to have most of the control. There were only a few instances that Morgana liked not being the one with the most control. Merlin could only imagine that Alvarr had all the control.

He couldn't really stop himself from wrapping his arms around her hips and picking her up, moving them closer to the bed. He sat down on the bed and helped her with her dress as she lowered herself down to straddle his lap. They break to start taking off clothes. Merlin couldn't wait for her to take off his dinner jacket, that was thrown into a corner. It was only when she untied his bow-tie and pulled him closer with it was when he said something.

"You can have all the control."

He knew that she had been more honest with him about her relationship with Alvarr in the corridor and so he couldn't understand why she stopped what she was going. The look she gave him was one that he hadn't seen before and he found it difficult to read. He worried that he had taken her behaviour in the wrong way and that he had said the wrong thing.

She pulled him closer to her and kiss him slowly. The change in pace was one that he recognised. It was usually when he had said something that she wanted to hear or that he had said the right thing at that moment.

Morgana pulled back slightly but kept their lips almost touching.

"I am always in control."

He didn't believe her but he didn't really want to argue with her. He knew that he should run back to her. He knew that it was the last thing that he should be doing but he couldn't stop himself. She was all that he wanted and he was glad that he felt like she felt the same way.


	15. Could I let you fall by yourself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just going to warn you now that there might not be a new chapter tomorrow. It will depend on how productive I am in the next hour. I haven't even started to write it yet and I will have no time tomorrow to write it. Let's just hope that the next hour is productive for me.

Could I let you fall by yourself  
While I'm wasted with someone else

**Chapter 15**

Merlin did have a small moment of panic when Morgana wasn't lying next to him when he woke. Turning over, he left out a sigh of relief as she was sat by the window, wearing his shirt. He was glad that he hadn't made enough noise to disturb her and he desperately didn't want the image to break. He was scared that she was going to turn to him and tell him that last night was some big mistake. Some big drunken mistake.

In all honesty, he probably would have to agree with her but he felt like he needed this moment. A moment to believe that things were how the should have been. This could have been them in any hotel that she chose. He would be some doctor and using the contacts that his uncle had made in the world of medicine rather than still being in Uther's clutches. And there was a big reason behind why he was still in Uther's clutches.

The image of imagining Morgana staring out on Paris was gone as she turned towards him and smiled. She pushed herself from the windowsill and walked back over to the bed. He sat up as she sat down and he was glad when she kissed him.

"This shouldn't have happened." She said.

"No, it shouldn't have done."

Morgana bit her lip. "Just because it shouldn't have happened, doesn't mean that it wasn't right, right?" She paused for a moment. "I know the last thing that we should be doing is starting an affair but… I have realised everything that I have missed in the last few years. I know I should have stayed. I know our story should be different."

"Maybe this should be a one-night thing. I just feel like Alvarr is everywhere, constantly watching my every move. If I was beaten up just for being your ex, just for lying to him and saying that I didn't still have feelings for you, I would hate to think what he would do if we started an affair and he found out about it." He paused as he leant towards her, resting his forehead on hers. "I wish things were different."

Her hands rested on the back of his neck.

"Then let me tell you everything. The truth is, I have been trying to find a way to leave Alvarr for months. I may not feel like I belonged in London but I didn't belong in Glasgow either. Morgause, my sister, had introduced me to Alvarr. He was a friend of Morgause's boyfriend and it wasn't anything serious, to begin with. It was just a bit of fun and that was all I wanted. He just announced one day that I was now dating him and I had no say in the matter whatsoever. That is our relationship. Him calling all the shots and I am just meant to be whatever he wants me to be."

"Morgana..."

"Look, he hasn't hurt me yet. He may have forced me into… doing some things with him that I wasn't comfortable with but he hasn't hurt me yet. I just can't find the strength to tell him that there are just some things that I don't want to do. There were rumours I heard about the last girl that he dated and did something similar to. They weren't nice rumours and I don't want to repeat them. Merlin, my train of thought is if Alvarr can have other girls on the side, ones that I know about, why can't I have the only man that I had and would ever want?"

He wanted to kiss her but he didn't. He knew that he couldn't just kiss away her pain like they were in some movie. If this was some movie, there would be some happy ending. Merlin couldn't see a happy ending with them in this situation.

"I am sure we will make something work."

* * *

There was a part of Morgana that wondered whether she had pushed Merlin into starting their affair. She felt like he had enjoyed their night together and it was something that he wanted but she felt like she might have just guilt tripped him into doing it.

She couldn't deny that Alvarr made things difficult and there was a part of her that wanted him to feel part of what she felt. She knew that she should never have started her relationship with Alvarr, even if she could call it a relationship. All she knew was that she had to act like the perfect girlfriend to make sure that nothing bad happened to her.

"I'm sorry that you have to do the walk of shame."

Merlin looked up at her and she knew that look instantly. It was the look that he had given her when he was watching her at the window earlier that morning. It was also the look that he used to give her whenever she used to wear one of his t-shirts when she used to stay over.

"I haven't done the walk of shame for a long time. I would love to do it, holding your hand and head held up high. There is nothing wrong with having a good night and not planning ahead."

She laughed at him. "I would like to do that as well."

He walked the few steps to stand at the edge of the bed. He had already found his clothes, he just needed his shirt back now.

"I wish I could tell you to keep my shirt."

"I think that it will give the game way very quickly."

She remained crossed legged on the bed but undid the few buttons she had done up to hand him over his shirt. She was glad that she had put her bra on before she had put his shirt on earlier. She picked up the t-shirt that she had packed and put it on.

"I will go first. I have a shift at the shop to get to and I don't think Gaius is going to be overly happy with me. It will give you the opportunity to give it an hour or so before leaving yourself."

"Is this what you want Merlin, truly?"

He gave her the look again. "You said that I didn't deserve you. Well, I don't think that Alvarr deserves you. I think that you went to totally the different end of the spectrum. You do deserve someone who will treat you with a little respect."

She was fully prepared to let him go but she found herself launching herself off the bed to kiss him one last time before he left her.


	16. But you're the one that I want, if that's really so wrong

But you're the one that I want, if that's really so wrong  
Then they don't know what this feeling is like

**Chapter 16**

If there was anyone that was going to find out first, it was going to be Arthur or Gwen who caught on to what they were doing. It wasn't like they were meeting up often as well.

"Look, Merlin, we are sort of happy that you and Morgana are sort of back together but really? Is it a good idea?" Arthur said.

"Arthur, do you not think I have asked myself that question a thousand times already? The problem is I always come back to the same answer. No, it isn't a good idea and no it shouldn't be happening. It is actually the last thing that we should be doing. But then I ask myself do I regret it? Every time I meet up with Morgana, do I regret it? And the answer is no. There was something about that night and it just reignited something in us. I don't regret it one bit and I won't ever regret it."

"This is a dangerous game that you are playing. It was only a couple of months ago that Morgana was asking me to keep you safe from him."

"I know that if Alvarr finds out, he will more than likely murder me. I know I am not the person to be in the middle of an affair but… you know that I love her Arthur. I don't think I will ever stop loving her."

"I am just looking out for you mate."

"I know but it is like what you and Gwen have. Uther doesn't want you together but you continue to be together."

Merlin knew that it wasn't the same. He also knew that Arthur would never understand. He just saw the fall out that this affair would cause. Merlin had spent enough time trying to live in the future. For the moment, he was going to try and live in the present and see how it worked out.

* * *

It would have been bad if Morgana had just walked into by herself but it was worse when she walked in with Alvarr just behind her. Merlin could tell that he wasn't going to play nice by the smile on his face. He knew why Morgana had chosen this coffee shop out of the number that lined their little high street.

Merlin took a deep breath before he turned to them and smiled. He knew that even if Gaius knew that he hated Alvarr, Gaius would still insist on giving him the first-rate customer service that they strived themselves on and would be angry if he gave them anything less than that.

"What you used to have Morgana?" He said.

"There is no other coffee shop that can make it like you can."

"That is how we like things. Anything for you Alvarr?"

Merlin knew that he had to write down the extremely complicated order that Alvarr was giving him. Again it was for his benefit.

"Are you sure you want it that sweet?" Merlin asked.

"Of course."

He found himself nodding, not really knowing what else to do. "Having in or taking away?"

"Having in?" Alvarr said.

Merlin looked at Morgana knowing that she was going to say take it away. He started to make their order as Morgana turned to Alvarr.

"Taking it away would be easier. We still have lots more to do."

"I think we can spare five minutes."

"But..."

"We are having it in," Alvarr said harshly.

"Why don't you go and sit down while the sofas are still free? I will bring it over to you." Merlin said.

He didn't like how Alvarr had grabbed Morgana's wrist or how harshly he had said his last sentence. He had to think about the other customers. He finished the drinks and took them over just as Gaius entered the shop. Merlin let out a sigh of relief as he got back behind the counter. He could let Gaius deal with Alvarr once he complained. After all, Gaius was the co-owner.

* * *

For Merlin at least, it wasn't all about the sex for him. He enjoyed just having someone that he could show affection to again. He knew that as they laid on the sofa, watching TV, fully clothed.

"Is Alvarr like that a lot?"

"It is part of him having all of the control. He is a control freak."

"I know what you are going to say but it isn't like you not to have all of the control."

"It is hard not to want to fight back. I ran from Uther and his control over me to run into Alvarr's arms it seems." She paused. "And maybe it is why this does mean so much to me. I know that you will give me the control that you don't want."

"I never asked. Did you find the answers that you went looking for?"

"Slightly. Basically, Uther is my biological father but my mother was married to someone else at the time. I am technically Arthur's half-sister but that is by the buy. He will always be my brother. My mum had one night with Uther and ended up falling pregnant with me. As soon as Uther found out about me, he took my mum to court to gain custody of me. I don't really remember all this I was only five when I was marched from my home to the Pendragon mansion. Uther had slandered my parent's name so badly that the courts handed me over. Money talks apparently."

"I know that. I know what it is like to be hostage to Uther."

"What do you mean?"

"There is a reason why I can be fired and rehired on the spot within a week or so. It isn't Arthur, it is because Uther is reminded that I owe him."

"You owe him? Owe him what?"

"Who do you think paid for Freya's cancer treatment?"


	17. I'm sick of covering up

I'm sick of covering up  
I'm tired of feeling so broken

**Chapter 17**

There was both a good and bad side to Morgause joining her in London. She was more than glad to see her sister again but she knew that she would have to be more careful with her affair with Merlin. Her sister was much more observant but she wasn't pushing it past Alvarr that he might be catching on to what she was doing in the last week or so. He was leaving more love bits that he would usually and she was glad that it was the weather for jumpers and scarves.

Morgana couldn't really believe where the time had gone. It had only been a few months ago that she had said goodbye to her sister outside Glasgow Central station. It was unbelievable that in a few short moments that she would be meeting Morgause in Euston station. She stood on her tiptoes to try and see her sister in the flood of people.

She hoped with Morgause in London she could finally have some to properly talk to about Alvarr and her thoughts about breaking up with him. Morgana knew that she must have heard the same rumour as her. She would just value an opinion of someone who had a slightly different opinion of him. It didn't mean that Morgause thought that Alvarr was some great guy. It just wasn't an opinion that was going to be instantly biased against him.

She already knew what she would have to plan to do if she broke up with Alvarr. She knew that she would have to fly Merlin to the other side of the world a week before she did it and head to some distant location herself. Alvarr would probably kill her and Merlin if she broke up with him. That was if she was to believe the rumour, which she believed more with each day that passed.

A smile rose on her lips as she saw Morgause leave the platform and started to walk over to her. She instantly hugged her sister tightly.

"How was your journey?" Morgana said as she helped Morgause with her bags.

"Long. Four and half hours I have been on that train. I had thought about getting off at one point."

"I know. Sorry, but we have got to get the tube for a bit."

"Just get me a coffee and I will be fine."

Morgana smiled at her. "As long as you can wait, I know just the coffee shop."

* * *

With Merlin rehired as Arthur's PA, Morgana felt rest assured that they wouldn't bump into each other. She was completely certain that she could talk to her sister and making her decision before she told him what she had been thinking about for the last few weeks. But luck wasn't on her side and part of her did feel for Merlin as they walked up to the counter.

"He hasn't sacked you again, has he? This quickly?"

Merlin laughed. "You do not want to know the reason."

"At least you get given a reason. Come on. Tell me. I am sure Arthur will tell me if I ask him."

"Uther Pendragon has fired me due to his suspicion that the reason that his son, Arthur Pendragon, has turned down every eligible woman in his elite circle is that Arthur is developing a crush on me and that we were too close as… I can't remember his exact wording but it felt like Uther was basically calling me Arthur's servant. I don't think the kiss helped."

"For God's sake."

"I know. It is not because Uther suffers from shortsightedness that he forgets that his son has been in a stable-ish relationship for the past eight or so years and that is the reason why he has been turning down all the potentially arranged marriages."

"Oh, Merlin."

She felt for him and she felt even more for him when the first sentence that Morgause said to him happened to be the three words that he was beginning to hate.

"You're the ex."

"Merlin, this is my sister Morgause. Morgause, this is Merlin. A very good friend."

"So you're the sister."

Morgana could have easily turned around and scold him for that but she felt like she could allow him that moment, for she was thinking about how she had told Morgause that she had gone out with a good friend and she had really only talked about Arthur, Gwen and Merlin. It was easy to assume that Merlin was the one that she went out with when she would have mentioned that Arthur was her brother. She noted that she should try and ask Morgause whether she was the one that told Alvarr that Merlin was her ex. She really wanted to know. It had spoilt everything that she had planned in London.

"Merlin, I will have my usual and I am sure that Morgause would be extremely grateful for a latte. Make sure it is a double shot of coffee."

"Coming right up. I will bring it over."

"Good, because I want to nab the sofa."

"Go for it."

She watched as he turned to start to make the drinks. She tried to keep her gaze looking as friendly as possible but she knew that he had changed a lot from when they were children. She liked that he had put on a little muscle and padded out a little more.

They sat down on the sofa and Morgana knew that it was not the time to bring up her thoughts about Alvarr. Merlin was in earshot and it was probably best as a private conversation kept between them.

"When did Alvarr come down?" Morgause asked.

"A couple of months ago. I wished that he gave me a little bit of warning. He showed up and almost caused a fight with my friends. He said completely the wrong thing."

"What did he say?"

"He asked if someone had died when Merlin had just buried his girlfriend. It was just..." She paused as Merlin put the drinks down. "I just can't explain what I was feeling it was just awful."

"I wish I could have warned you. By the time I knew that he was gone, Cenred had already said that he was with you."

"It is by the buy now. Anyway, I am sure that we have a few things to catch up on in these last few months than including the boyfriends. What have you been up to?"


	18. Oh, you and all your vibrant youth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it has been a week since I last uploaded. Things just got a little busy and this took the hit. Hopefully I can make it up slightly with this chapter.

* * *

Oh, you and all your vibrant youth  
How could anything bad ever happen to you?

**Chapter 18**

There was a part of Morgana that regretted telling Morgause about what had happened when she remained silent. She didn't know what she was thinking and felt worse when she got out her phone and called someone, walking out of the room as so Morgana didn't hear her conversation. She knew that Morgause was on the phone to Cenred and she had now made this whole situation worse. Morgana knew that she had better people to confide in. Like Gwen. Gwen may have rambled her way through life but Morgana was certain that Gwen could always keep her secrets.

By the time Morgause returned to the room, Morgana had worked herself up into some state.

"Why did you tell him? That is going to make it worse."

Morgause sighed. "He isn't treating you right. You are my sister. I do care about you."

"There is more to it than him not just treating me right."

"I know."

"What?"

"I didn't miss it and I am certain that an airhead like Alvarr hasn't missed it either. You have started something with Merlin."

"I know what you are going to say," Morgana said, dropping her gaze to the floor.

There was a moment when Morgana thought that Morgause wasn't going to say anything. It wasn't until she placed her hands on Morgana's shoulders that she looked up and saw a look in Morgause's face that she had never seen before. She had seen her sister worried before but not like this. She almost questioned it.

"Are you safe?"

"What?"

"Morgana, do you think you are safe?"

"I wouldn't like to say."

"Do you think that Merlin is safe?"

"Probably not. I don't know. I don't know what is going on in Alvarr's head."

"Has Alvarr done something that you would consider rash?"

Morgana didn't understand what all the questions were for. "He beat Merlin up a couple of months ago."

"I think that you should spend a couple of days with me. I mean, I have never been to London before and I have my own personal tour guide right here."

She would have questioned her sister. There were questions on the end of her tongue but she didn't ask them. She didn't know why. Maybe she should have. Maybe she would have got some answers sooner.

* * *

Locking up the shop was something that Merlin enjoyed doing. It meant that it could be done in the way that he saw fit. He was glad that he had made Gaius go earlier when he turned around after locking the back door to see Alvarr and a number of his friends. It was hard not to feel slightly intimidated by them. Merlin knew that if Alvarr knew about them that this would be another beating to teach him that Morgana was his.

"I don't usually do this Merlin. But that job offer is still there."

"What job offer?" Merlin asked without really thinking about it.

It was obviously enough for Alvarr that Merlin showed just a little interest in what he was offering that he opened the door of the car he was leaning against. It wasn't a time for stupid questions and Merlin didn't know whether he should just find out more because he was slightly interested or because he could use it against Alvarr if anything was going to happen to Morgana. If he had some dirt on him that would get him arrested, then he might be able to get Morgana away from him. He felt like Alvarr would be cunning enough to be able to talk his way out of being arrested for domestic abuse or something like that.

Merlin didn't really get a choice in the end whether he went or not as he was pulled towards the car and pushed down into it. One of the guys sat next to him and the other one made his way around the car to sit on Merlin's right side. He heard, more than saw, two other people getting into the front. A hood had been placed over his head to try and disguise where they were going.

He tried to remember the turns that they took but it was hard for Merlin to actually think where they were going. There could have only been driving for fifteen minutes, so he could safely say that they were still in London, when the car stopped and the doors were opened. The hood remained on his head as he was pulled from the car. He knew that he had been lead into a building and was sat down on a chair before the hood was removed. His eyes quickly adjusted to the low light in the warehouse.

"Do you like being Uther's little plaything?"

"I'm not Uther's little plaything."

"I think you are. Being fired and rehired at the drop of a hat. You have no stable job other than helping to run a rundown old cafe. You don't strike me as the person who would just settle for that. You could just go and get another job. I… can't understand it."

"I am perfectly happy in the jobs that I have. You don't need to know my reasons as to why I do what I do."

"I suppose I don't. But I can offer you a job whereby, within a month, you could earn enough to pay Uther back." He paused for a moment. "It is amazing what you can find out if you want to. I know that Uther paid for your girlfriend's cancer treatment when the NHS gave up on her. I also know that he paid for her to be in a hospice so she was comfortable. I suppose that is another question, why would Uther pay for all that when he clearly dislikes you?"

"He obviously has his reasons."

"You know that when Uther dies you will become Arthur's plaything? The debt that you have with Uther will be the one you have with Arthur. Will he be so kind? Will he want more?"

"Things between Uther and I are totally different to things between myself and Arthur. Arthur would probably allow me to pay the debt back in bigger instalment and would also me to have a stable job so that I could actually pay back the debt."

"I have done my research. I know that the only reason that Uther keeps firing you is because of the interest put on the loan. Lower than he has put on other people's loan. I suppose that is why he wants yours to last longer. Do you want to be Pendragon property for the reason of your life?"

"Or be yours? I don't know which is better."

"I will be fairer. We can make a contract. As soon as I am done with what I need you to do, then you will be free from me."

"Do I have a choice?"

"Oh Merlin, we all have a choice in everything. For me, it would just be about who is the better of two evils. Me or Uther?"

It was one of the first things that Alvarr had said that Merlin agreed with. He wondered where he had got all his information from and hoped that Morgana hadn't told Alvarr what he had told her in confidence.

"What do you want me to do and when would I be free from your contract?"

It was the way that Alvarr smiled at him which made him regret his decision. It did seem like Uther's worse might be Alvarr's best. But Merlin felt like he couldn't really back out now.

"You will be free from me when we bring Uther Pendragon to his knees."


	19. I'm fucked up, I'm faded

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was meant to have posted this Thursday (which actually turned out to be early Friday morning) and I obviously forgot to actually post this. Just shows how busy I have been lately and it is really going to slow down...

I'm fucked up, I'm faded  
I'm so complicated

**Chapter 19**

The problem with Alvarr was that he had too many secrets that Morgana knew that she was never going to know. She always thought that she knew about the girls on the side just so that she had something else to think about other than what he actually did in a day. In the past, she had asked him and he had been very reluctant to tell her, going as far to say that he didn't want her involved in what he did. He would just provide the money and she could spend it, no questions asked. She supposed that she didn't help herself out in that aspect, playing to the spoilt rich girl persona that she had been trying to distance herself from.

Alvarr earnt enough money so that they could pay the bills and live quite a luxurious lifestyle without her having to work a day in her life, which was lucky for Morgana. Leaving school with good GCSE's but no A-levels left her in a position that meant that if she wanted a job, she more than likely wasn't going to get one. She had no idea why there was such an obsession with grades even for the simplest of jobs.

If anything, she should have realised ages ago that he was doing something dodgy. Alvarr was the least honest man that she knew. He couldn't be honest even if he tried. But it still was a shock when the true extent of his operation.

"Drugs?!"

"You didn't expect the money that I gave to you to be totally legit. Just because you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth, doesn't mean that the rest of us are. We have to work hard to get to the heights of Uther Pendragon. Either that or try and get rich fast whatever way you can. I didn't see you complaining when I was giving you a grand in fifties."

She kicked herself for not realising before and felt like she was just giving herself more reasons to end her relationship with Alvarr. She wondered whether Morgause would allow her to stay with her for a little longer.

"You said that you would provide me with the money if I asked no questions. I thought that you might have been a builder or something like that and just preferred to be paid in cash."

"Good girl. That would have sounded good if the police came to question you. I would definitely be able to talk my way out of that one."

Morgana knew too well how well Alvarr could talk himself out of things and talking people into doing things. The charisma he had when he wanted to be was off the scale and it was what made Morgana forget sometimes how he had treated her.

"Why are you letting me into your little secret then?"

"I am in need of a little help. I am building my empire. I want this to be what I am known for. I want to be supplying all across the UK and I want everyone to have my drugs. I want it so that no matter who you buy it off, it starts off being my stock. I started in Glasgow and the operation is going so well that I can start up in London. I just have a little problem. It is getting a little too big for me. I know how to handle a few people and a few regular customers but we are at the stage where it is more than a few now. It is more like a hundred now. You've done some work for Uther. You know how to run a business. I heard that he was training you up to take over the Pendragon group."

Alvarr had a useful source. It was probably inventive that the business would have fallen to her as Arthur's football career started to grow. While Uther was throwing money at Arthur to make him famous, he was trying to show her the realities of life by telling her to live on a small budget. It was all part of Uther's master plan that she ruined by running away. She could have been a very successful businesswoman, with Merlin still on her arm.

She didn't want to help Alvarr grow his despicable 'company'. She didn't want to get involved.

_Are you safe?_

Her sister's voice was so clear it felt like she had just whispered it in her ear. She wanted to scream at her now. 'No Morgause. No, I am not safe. I am with some drug lord who I have never really felt at ease around.' She wished she had spoken to Morgause soon or started her cries for help sooner. Maybe someone would have listened to them. Maybe she wouldn't be in the situation that she is in now.

* * *

_Who is the better of two evils? Me or Uther?_

Alvarr couldn't have said a truer statement and Merlin was coming to realise that the better of two evils was definitely Uther. Merlin might have this debt with Uther but he was more than certain that he would never have to do what Alvarr wanted to do.

It still troubled him that Alvarr knew that Uther paid for Freya's cancer treatment. There were only five people that he knew, knew about it and they were Uther, Gaius, Arthur Gwen and, more recently, Morgana. He hoped that Morgana hadn't told him. It could have had something to do with this other thing that he was involved in. He was definitely involved in too many things now.

The knock on the window scared him and he started up the car to put down the window. The man standing there was one of the few men that Merlin had seen hanging around Alvarr.

"Here. The meeting point and time is in an envelope inside."

Merlin took the parcel off of him and it totally didn't feel right that he was handling drugs in one of Uther's cars. He leant over to hide it underneath the passenger seat.

"You can't bail on us now. We know you have the package. You can't run to the police or anything. You must deliver it. You don't want to know the consequence if you don't."

He gulped loudly. "I will deliver it."

"Good man."

It wasn't much after the man left him that Arthur opened the door behind him. It did anger Merlin that Arthur had to sit in the back but with what he had in the car, may it was best that he was in the back.

"What did he want?"

"Plain clothed traffic warder," Merlin said, impressed about how quickly he had come up with the cover. "I thought I might have to drive around the block if you were going to take any longer."

"I am sorry Merlin. No rest for the wicked. Dad's called an emergency meeting so back to Pendragon HQ"

"Hopefully traffic isn't bad." He said as he pulled off.


	20. Everything is changing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry that I haven't uploaded. In all honesty, I have had this chapter written for a while but I wanted to wait until I had written the next chapter before posting. That took longer than expected due to the Christmas period. Kinda want to get this done before the new year as I have a big year ahead of me and will need to plan my time better. Because, if you have been with me for a long time you will know that I study karate, in July, I will be going out to Denmark and will be doing my Black Belt grading. I am excited but also know that I have a long road ahead of me. Changes will come with the extra training that I will need to do but that is for me to sort out.  
> Maybe this song is quite fitting for the new year.

Everything is changing  
And I've been here for too long

**Chapter 20**

Merlin had fallen into some routine when it came to the three jobs that he had. For some reason, Uther was enjoying having him around, basically being more Arthur's chauffeur and it seemed to suit what Alvarr had planned for him as well.

He would go to work at Pendragon HQ and do whatever Arthur needed him to do. If they left the building, then the package with what he had to deliver that night would have been given to him during the day. If they didn't leave Pendragon HQ, Merlin would find someone waiting by the door to his flat to give it to him. The location of each package varied a lot. Some were houses, some were street corners and some were remote locations between 20 minutes to an hour outside of London. He would hand over the package and he would be handed an envelope of money. He never counted it. He didn't want to know how much money he was being handed in cash. He felt like it was better if he didn't know. After he dropped off the package, he would have to go to the warehouse to drop off the money. He always hoped that the money wasn't short.

He would then go back home to try and get a few hours of sleep before he had to his actual, real job that wasn't illegal or at least had some legal operations.

Merlin knew that he had to not ask questions. His quizzical mind wanted to know but he knew that is wasn't worth the grief that he would get for asking the questions. The less he knew, the better.

He did get something out of it all. It was only after the first month that he was told that on every Friday he was to go and the proportion of money that was his. He had worked the first month for free, probably to test whether he was worthy or not. The envelope felt dirty and heavy, but opening it up and seeing two grand in cash shocked Merlin but also felt like the answer to some of his problems. He wasn't short on cash. He had a few savings and he could make it from month to month comfortably. But it was those little extras that he missed. He couldn't actually remember the last time he didn't buy clothes that he didn't wear to work or the last time he properly treated himself. The money was dirty money. It was wrong to have this much money from doing that.

Merlin didn't particularly care whether he had his fair share. It was supposedly a cut of what he had collected but he had never counted it so he had to just trust that it was his cut per say.

All he knew was that he couldn't just walk into the bank and deposit it straight into his account. It just looked instantly suspicious and he didn't think he could pass it off as birthday money. He could bank it slowly but he knew that he could probably only make two or three deposits a month and by that time he would have more cash. He would just have to start spending it and just hope that no one asked any questions.

He just wished that he had the time to take Morgana out.

* * *

Morgause wasn't wrong. Alvarr knew and even if he hadn't told her that, Morgana knew that he knew. It was the only reason she could see that he wanted her on board in the 'company' that he had kept hidden from her for the last couple of years. She wished that she could see Merlin. Just spend a night with him. It would take her mind off the fact that Alvarr had her counting the money that was coming in and splitting it into the wages that the dealers would get.

She tried not to think about where the money had come from or the type of people that had delivered the drugs and what sort of power Alvarr had over them. She was certain that most of these people must have been manipulated into doing it. She didn't think that anyone actually wanted to be a drug dealer.

She was glad that she didn't know a lot. All she knew was the 'route' number, how much they brought in and how much they were to get. The envelopes that she had to put the money in were already numbered. She just had to count it out.

"Why is route 15 getting so little?" Morgana asked.

"What do you mean?"

"I got it last month. They had only been doing it for a month and you said that was what I was meant to give them. But he is still getting the same amount."

"He is the new guy."

"But he is only getting 3% of what he brought in. The others are getting like ten to 15%. And he is bringing in the most money. £65 grand this month."

"Morgana, you obviously don't know how this business works. I am whetting his appetite. I am showing him what he can earn. I will raise it next month to 5%. He has the taste for it now. The more money I give them, to begin with, the greedier they get. They start making their own cuts on the side. This guy is doing well. The customers like him. He deserves a bit more for just that."

There was a way that Alvarr could always just make her feel disgusting. She didn't know how much longer she could pull off the 'I fell asleep while visiting Morgause' plan that she had been doing for the last month or so. She couldn't stand to be around him any more. But she also felt she had to make it seem like nothing was wrong at the same time.

At that moment, Morgana really wished that she was working for Uther instead.


	21. Life is a drink and love's a drug

Life is a drink and love's a drug  
Oh, now I think I must be miles up

**Chapter 21**

Merlin had noticed his pay increase from the drugs and it wasn't a good thing. He had all this cash and felt like he couldn't do much with it. He could easily go to Uther and pay a large proportion of the debt off with the cash and Uther would probably accept it but it looked so suspicious. Merlin had managed to put some of the money into his bank account and given some to Gaius to do some overdue repairs and improvements to the shop. He even brought his mother an expensive necklace to make up for a few birthdays that he had missed due to having a few money problems. She had questioned him over it and he was quite impressed when the lie came so easily. He wished that he didn't have to lie to her. He wished that things could be totally different and he wasn't mixed up with three different things all happening at the same time.

Merlin knew that the people who said that money doesn't matter, had too much money that it didn't matter. He was starting to get that way as it seemed like most of his problems had been solved. He had the money to do the things that he wanted to do. But the added layer of how he was getting that money just made him deeply paranoid. He had no idea when one of Alvarr's men would come over to him to give him the package and there were no tellings about who might be watching them.

It made him even more jittery when Alvarr told him that he wanted a quiet word in his office. He was in deep in a world that he didn't want to be in and it scared him that Alvarr could take it all away from him as easily as he made him enter it.

"You know Merlin, there was always something that I like about you."

Those were words that he thought he would never hear from Alvarr's mouth.

"What do you mean?"

Alvarr smiled at him. "I like what you are doing. There are quite a few customers that don't like it when they are asked questions. Some will take a few questions but some people can get rather nosy. You, Merlin, don't ask any questions at all."

"The less I know, the less I can spill if I get caught."

"That is what I like about you. Smart thinking." He paused for a moment. "There are some customers that come to me for more than just drugs. I offer some other services that a number of the girls have taken up the offer of. Basically, they go and deliver the drugs and offer these other services. I don't take a cut from these other services. You would be able to charge what you think is appropriate. A number of customers have expressed a… interest if you were to offer these services."

Merlin knew what he was talking about. He had helped one of the girls he was on about after one of his customers had been violent due to being high whilst she was offering this service. She was lucky to be alive.

"I appreciate the offer. But it wouldn't be something that I would be interested in. I have just started a new relationship and it seems to be going well. It is still early days but I don't want anything to disrupt it."

"Shame. You could have paid Uther back quicker." He paused for a moment to change the conversation. "I am hosting a party on Saturday. I want you there, handing out drugs, just to keep the party buzzing. You know what I mean. I am releasing a new kind of drug. Something with a bit more of a kick. They will have a free sample as they enter but the rest will be down to you and the other dealers to start to sell it. It will go out onto the streets the day afterwards. It is going to be massive."

"I am sure I can do that."

There was a way that Alvarr started to delved into his plans with Merlin which he suspected meant that Alvarr trusted him a lot more than other people.

* * *

The club was heaving and the only reason that Merlin knew that Morgana had turned up was due to the fact that she had to climb the stairs up to the top part of the club that had been rented out for Alvarr and his closest friends. He was glad to see Morgause with her, hoping that she was helping to protect Morgana. He had overheard conversations that Alvarr had with certain people and Merlin knew that Morgana was trying to spend less time with Alvarr, spending many of her nights at where Morgause was staying. He wondered whether there was more to Morgause that met the eye.

He delved deeper into the crowd, hoping that she wouldn't see him. Morgana couldn't see him here. She couldn't know that he was dealing drugs for the boyfriend that she wanted to leave.

He kept telling himself that he was doing this to pay back Uther. He kept telling himself that the sooner he paid Uther back the better. He kept telling himself that he was doing this for them. If he had the money, he could get himself and Morgana away from the likes of Uther and Alvarr.

He looked back up at where Morgana was and could just about see how uncomfortable she looked with Alvarr's arm around her waist.

This was for her. This was for them. This was for a better start.

There was a small part of him that knew that they might never be able to get away from Uther and Alvarr and the drug but he knew that they had to at least try to. Merlin was already done with the deal he had with Alvarr. He wanted out.


	22. She wants to break up every night

She wants to break up every night  
Don't wanna wait until she finally decides to feel it

**Chapter 22**

It was her first day off. The first day that Morgana had in a few months to really think about what she wanted to do. She knew that she couldn't be apart of the drugs any longer and she couldn't be with Alvarr. She had to get out.

It was the only reason that she was currently with Arthur.

"I need you to book two flights for me."

She couldn't really believe the blank look that Arthur was giving her. The reason she was asking him was that she couldn't do it and it was something that he had said that he would do when she asked.

"For what reason?"

"I need you to book one in Merlin's name to anywhere far away, like New Zealand and then one for me later that day."

"Why?"

"For Christ sakes Arthur. Do I have to spell it out for you? I am going to break up with Alvarr and it is definitely going to put Merlin and myself in danger. I need to get out Arthur. I know I have said that so many times and then followed it, saying that I can cope and don't need any help but Arthur… I can't do it any more. I really can't do it any more. I don't hate Alvarr, I loathe him now. I can't stand him. I feel like I am going to throw up every time he kisses me and… I just need you to do this for me, Arthur. Please. For both our sakes."

"Dad's going to ask why I am booking two tickets to New Zealand."

"And Alvarr is going to ask the same of me and I haven't seen Merlin to ask him to do it. Arthur, I wouldn't ask you if I didn't think that it was important. I am going to do it tomorrow night."

"Morgana, are you scared?"

"Arthur, I am bloody petrified. I am caught up in something really bad and I have this big feeling that Merlin might be caught up in it as well."

* * *

"Merlin. Just the man."

Merlin felt like he was always 'just the man' whenever he stepped into Alvarr's office. It made him more suspicious of Alvarr's motives.

"At your service."

"That is what we like to hear. I have a few plans that I am bringing forward."

Merlin knew how to play the game now.

"Why?" Was always going to be a better question than 'What plans?'

"Oh, Merlin. I told you the plan. The plan is to take down Uther. But there are a few things that have come to my attention that means that they will be compromised. I have been planning this for months. I can't let it all go to waste." He paused. "I don't know why I am saying this but I am sorry."

He opened his mouth to say something. It was a bad idea because when the pain shot from the back of his head to the front, he knew sort of what was happening. He felt his body tense then relax as he blacked out.

* * *

Morgana shook her head as the vodka burnt her throat. She knew that she didn't need the drink but she thought she could do with a little bit of drunk courage. Arthur had booked the tickets for her and Merlin and was currently waiting for Merlin to return home so that he could quickly pack a bag before getting him to the airport in time for him to be able to run through customs and get on the plane. By the time Alvarr got home, Merlin would be in the sky off to New Zealand. She just hoped that Merlin would be on his way and safe.

She was about to pour herself another vodka when the door opened. She placed the bottle back in the cupboard quickly before she dragged a hand through her hair. She stepped out of the kitchen and into the living room.

"You are coming with me," Alvarr said.

"No, I'm not."

There was a moment when Alvarr stopped gathering up whatever he was gathering and slowly turned to her. The look on his face was something that she had seen before but it had never been directed at her. There were only a couple of long strides between them and Morgana couldn't really remember him moving but felt his hand go to her neck. Alvarr wasn't overly taller than her but he still lifted her enough that her feet felt like they weren't on the floor.

"You know what. I have wanted to do this for months. I know how you despise me. I know that you want to break up with me. I know about you little stupid affair with Merlin. But do you know what? You are mine. No one will want you after I am finished with you. That is if I don't lose my temper completely." He paused. "Oh, Morgana. Sweet innocent Morgana. You know nothing about real life. Of course, that rumour was true."

Morgana tried not to be scared. She tried not to struggle in hope that it meant that she could keep herself from blacking out. She felt helpless.

He let go of her and she found herself sliding down the wall, trying to catch her breath back slowly whilst trying not to cry. Crying would be a waste of breath and she felt like she couldn't do that. There was little to show what Alvarr wanted with her and what he had planned.

She could hear her phone vibrating on the coffee table and she hoped that if she slowly stood up she could at least see who was calling her. She just saw the name on the phone before Alvarr grabbed her and pulled her out of the flat.

"We are going to pay daddy a visit."

Alvarr's statement didn't worry Morgana. What worried Morgana was the missed phone from Arthur and what he would have said to her.


	23. 'Cause I knew you were trouble when you walked in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year!
> 
> I am going to try and get the last three chapters of this story out to you as fast as I can but I am going back to work tomorrow and my extra training for my Black Belt grading also starts tomorrow, so we will have to see how things go. But after this story, I am probably going to have to take another break, which is not what I want to do but I now feel like I have to plan and write the whole story before I even think about posting it. The next story was going to be Doctor Who anyway and I could get on with the rewrites that I have currently abandoned.
> 
> So this is sort of what everything has been building up to... sort of... Can you tell that I didn't know how to end this story?

'Cause I knew you were trouble when you walked in  
So shame on me now

**Chapter 23**

There was always going to be things that would never change. One of them was going to be that Uther never left the office before midnight. She could see where his office was. The only light in the whole of the tower block. Pendragon Headquarters. Uther's pride and joy.

The way that Alvarr had his hand around her arm was beginning to hurt a lot and was very uncomfortable. She knew that if she tried to prize his hand off her arm, he would only tighten his grip. She just had to put up with it for a little longer. She had so many questions that she wanted to ask but she had already added them to the long list of questions that she would never get an answer to.

They stopped on the floor underneath Uther's office and Alvarr marched her from the lift into the main workspace and threw her into the closest chair. She was glad that she managed to land in the seat rather than fall on the floor.

"I am going to tell you exactly what I want you to do. In a minute, you are going to go up to Uther and demand that he signs over the company to you."

"Why?" She said, hoping that it would sound more like a question.

"I want to expand my business. Now I could work my arse off for the next 10, 15, 20 years and get nowhere. Or in the next hour, I could own a firm that is known as the biggest dealers in drugs. Not all of Uther's companies are as clean as you think. Uther may be all for ridding the streets of drugs but he is the one that is making sure that they are still king. With you at the head of this company, you will be the head of them all and I will get to control them all. You know that Uther helps to line the pockets of governments and the top ten richest people. I want a part of that. Expect I will use the money to arm the rebels that want to take down this government and every rich man that has ever turn their nose up at us. The route of all evil isn't anywhere else but here and I want to be king of that evil. Uther's reign will end tonight."

"And what if I refuse to do it?"

Morgana heard her voice sound shaky and she wished that she didn't feel as scared as she felt. She kept reminding herself that she was a Pendragon, not that she wanted to be. The Pendragons were brave and strong. That was at least what Uther had tried to drum into Arthur and herself when they were children.

"Oh, you won't refuse."

Alvarr stepped to one side to show Merlin sitting in a chair behind him. His left eye was already bruised and it looked like it was only going to swell more. There was a cut on his lip and he looked rather worse for wear.

"You know what. It was easier than I thought to keep you two apart. I mean Merlin's days were for Arthur and Uther and then I took his nights." Alvarr said as he walked over to Merlin and pulled on his hair to make him look up. "I wish that you took on that extra work. I would have liked to have seen what she saw in you."

Merlin only grunted when Alvarr pulled on his hair. Morgana didn't really know how to take what Alvarr was saying but she knew one thing.

"Don't hurt him. Please."

Alvarr only smiled when one of the men next to Merlin pulled out a gun and aimed it at his temple.

"We aren't going to hurt him unless you do exactly what you are told."

* * *

Morgana wished that she had the chat that she wanted to have with Uther months ago. She wished that she had told him the reasons why she left and what she had found out during her time away from London. She also knew that she would be the last person that he would want to see. They had only briefly spoken since she had been back it was more directed at Arthur. She might have been his favourite but things weren't the same between them as it was before she ran away. She no longer had him wrapped around her little finger.

His office hadn't changed in the years that she had been away. Not even a fresh lick of paint. It was like stepping into a memory when she opened the door when she was instructed to.

"What do you want?" He asked as she took the seat opposite him.

Uther had certain codes for his security. If he wanted to leave there was a special word that he would say that would alert one of the security to cut the meeting or dinner or whatever event he was attending short. There was also a word that meant that things weren't right and he might be in danger. Morgana just hoped that she had been listening properly.

"I want to talk about mother."

He looked up at her. "Your mother?"

"Well, you won't bring it up so I will have to. Of course my mother. My mother who was scared and had her name slandered by you so that I could be yours. Why wouldn't I want to talk about mother?"

She could tell that he wasn't really catching on and she felt like if this conversation was to go on any longer, Alvarr would start to know that something was up. He was more than likely listening into their conversation.

"Is that the reason you ran away?"

"I had to find out the truth. So many people were telling me different things, I had to find out the real truth. I might be your daughter but I didn't deserve to be some play piece in your politics."

"What do you want then?"

"This was all going to be mine. That was obviously before I ran away and Arthur had his accident. I still want this. This is mine by right. You know that I could do a miles better job at running this company than Arthur ever could. I have always had more business sense while Arthur has spent his life kicking a ball around a field. He thinks life is just one big party. I want you to sign the company over to me before Arthur gets his hands on it and ruins all your hard work."

Either she finally got through to Uther or he had seen someone walking around outside of his office, but she was grateful when he leant back and seem to press a button underneath the table. Either that or the bruises on her neck were starting to show.

"I suppose that if I don't sign over the company to you, you will release what you have learnt to the world. How much did you learn Morgana?"

"I know enough."

"Isn't this blackmail?"

"More of a personal vendetta against you. I am actually surprised that none has done this sooner with your dark, questionable past."

She didn't think that he was going to do it but she was surprised when he stood up to get something out of a safe before sitting back down.

"My questionable past?"

"The example that I am going to use isn't your questionable past but more your questionable present. There must be a link between you keep firing and rehiring Merlin and the fact that you paid for Freya's cancer treatment."

"You are right. There is a link. Something to ask him."

Morgana was about to question him when the door flew open. She knew that Alvarr would get impatient. The fact that she could see a gun dangerously close to her head in her peripheral vision scared her. She couldn't tell whether it was pointed at her or Uther without turning.

"Will you hurry up? You have already taken too long."

"You must be Alvarr," Uther said as he started to lay out the document. "I have heard so much about you. I am sort of glad that I can finally put a face to the name."

Uther signed it at the bottom before handing it over to Morgana to sign. She couldn't really see how this document was legal in any way but she signed it anyway.

"I guess that I wasn't going to get out of this alive as I can't hand Morgana over the company straight away, only on my death. But I am afraid that you are going to have to wait a couple of days for my solicitor to make it official."

"No problem. Get rid of the other one."

Morgana turned wide-eyed to see Alvarr dropping the walkie-talkie from his mouth. The next thing she heard was a muffled gunshot and she instantly feared the worst.


	24. The role you made me play

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honest to God, I am so sorry that I haven't uploaded in like two weeks. I just kept meaning to find the time to write but things have been a little weird lately and I just can't seem to focus for some reason. I am just going to finish writing the story now so that I can get the last two chapters out to you over the next couple of days. Then I really, really think that I need to take that break.

The role you made me play  
Of the fool, no, I don't like you

**Chapter 24**

Morgana had little idea what to do with herself. She went between paramedics and police officers. In the few moments that she was left alone, she pulled the foil blanket around herself and looked around and the chaos that had been caused.

A familiar face was needed and she was glad when Gwen managed to push her way through the crowd to hug her. Morgana hugged her as tightly as she could. She could hear that Arthur was arguing with a police officer about them being in the crime scene. Gwen didn't ask her anything and she was slightly grateful for it. She didn't know what she would say if they asked her what had happened.

"How are you?" Arthur asked as he joined them.

"I… I don't know how I am."

"That is probably just the shock," Gwen said. "I don't know what I would have done in that situation."

"Is Uther alright?"

"He is fine. In shock as well but luckily the shot that was fired in his office was just due to Alvarr being tasered. They hadn't seen the gun and luckily the gun had moved away from him. It hit the chair but it could have been worse." Arthur said.

"And Merlin?"

"The paramedics won't tell us anything and he was gone from here before we had even been told about what had happened. I phoned Gaius as soon I as heard and they are both down the hospital now. Gaius knows people at St George's. He will find out what is going on. Plus he is family so they will kinda have to tell him."

"This is all my fault," Morgana said.

"Woah, this isn't your fault. You are not to be blamed for anything that happened in there."

"But I was the one to bring Alvarr to London. If we weren't going out, he would never have had a connection to Uther and then none of this would have happened. I knew something was up. I knew that he was planning something. I knew that he was no good."

"I never wanted to say anything but I think I had the same feeling. Like dad wasn't surprised when I told him that you were back in London and I think he had Merlin involved in it as well. Like I was fully prepared to pay for Freya's treatment and give the money as a gift to them and then he turned around and said that he got a loan off dad."

"Uther did tell me to ask Merlin all about this. I just hope that I haven't been played by both Alvarr and Merlin."

"Merlin wouldn't have played you, Morgana. If anything, he probably did whatever he has done to protect you." Gwen said.

Arthur looked like he was about to agree when his phone started to ring.

* * *

There had been another argument with the police as to where Morgana could leave the scene or not. Arthur had to sign something saying that he would look after her, take her straight to the hospital to get checked over and bring her to Scotland Yard the next day to give a statement of what happened. Arthur and Gwen had made Morgana go and see someone before they even tried to find the ward that Merlin was on. She thought it was a waste of time just for a student doctor to tell her that she was probably still in shock and that they would recommend going home and resting.

They found where Merlin was and was greeted by Gaius and Hunith. Morgana forgot how comforting Hunith could be and was glad when she hugged her.

"Hunith, why don't you go and get us all a drink?"

Morgana could tell that she was annoyed at her brother for sending her off but took Gwen's offer of help as they both left to get the tea and coffee.

"I have pulled a few strings. Merlin is currently in surgery and for the moment, everything seems to be okay. What I have heard is that it seems like the bullet hit his shoulder and missed any vital organs. Which at the moment is what we will have to hope will be the end result. Damaged tissue will eventually heal. What the hell was he doing in that situation?"

"He was route 15. He has been trafficking drugs for Alvarr after he found out that Merlin and I… Look he is in this position because of me. I should have made the connection sooner and I was right when I thought that I saw him at a party that Alvarr threw a couple of weekends ago."

"It could also be something to do with this other thing that he is involved in," Arthur added.

"Other thing he is involved in? What has my nephew got himself into?"

"We don't know Gaius but Uther was involved as well," Morgana said.

The conversation died down as Hunith and Gwen returned with the drinks. Morgana sat down on the plastic chair and tried to make herself comfortable. Hunith handed her drink to her, telling her that it might be a little sweet for the shock.

"Maybe you lot should go home. It could be a long night." Gaius said.

"And if it was one of us in that operating theatre, Merlin would be sitting out here waiting for news. We are going to do the same." Arthur said.

Morgana couldn't help but agree with him.

* * *

Arthur had made her come home with him to get a couple of hours of sleep before he took her to Scotland Yard. Morgana had argued with him, saying that she could do it by herself. He even said that he would wait for her as she was lead from the reception area to the interview room.

One of the two officers in front of her asked about the events leading up to her being in the Pendragon building. She told them that is was longer than just the last few weeks and proceed to tell them about the reason why she ran away at 17 and all that she could remember of things that happened in Glasgow before she returned to London, right up to the moment the police entered Uther's office. She told them about how she knew nothing of what Alvarr was doing or planning until a couple of months ago when she learnt about where the money that she had been spending had come from. She told them all about her thoughts and feelings over the couple of months and they seemed satisfied with what she had said.

"Interview terminated at 11:05," The officer said before they stopped the tape. "Thank you for that Miss Pendragon. I will just get all the paperwork signed off and then you will free to get on with your day."

The other officer offered her a drink, which Morgana declined. From here, they were probably going to go back to the hospital where she was sure they would end up drowning in tea and coffee. It was only a few minutes later that the door opened again and another officer entered.

"Don't be alarmed, Miss Pendragon. I am not here to interview you again. I am here to answer some of the questions that I am sure that you have. Let me introduce myself. I am Inspector Daniels and we have been working closely with Police Scotland, their Glasgow division, to follow the movements and activities of Mr Alvarr Beck. On behalf of Scotland Yard and Police Scotland, I would like to thank you as well as apologise for putting you into a situation that we should have put a trained officer into. You have done above what any civilian should have done."

There was a moment when Morgana felt like she should have said something but she didn't really know what she could have said.

"The actions of PC Le Fay were ones that the Metropolitan Police do not condone but I do have to agree that Mr Beck may not have acted when he did if it weren't for the decisions of PC Le Fay. We might still be in the dark about many of his operations and he could have targeted any other family."

Morgana did really hope that she was going to get some answers but ended up feeling more confused about what had been going on.

"Don't worry Inspector Daniels. I can take it from here." Morgause said as she entered the room. "I should be the one to tell my sister everything that has been going on and the reasons behind my actions."

Morgana didn't feel like she could feel any more confused than how she felt in that moment. As Morgause sat down and started to explain that she was an undercover police officer, sent in to investigate the drug rings in Glasgow, everything did start to make sense. She just had to try and make sense of what Merlin was involved in.


	25. I couldn't keep you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally posting the penultimate chapter. I mean this has been going on for a little too long... And I have sort of had one of those weeks where either you want to scream or you just end up sighing all the time. It has been a weird week even if a lot but not a lot has happened... if you get what I mean.

I couldn't keep you,  
But I'll keep my word

**Chapter 25**

Merlin blinked a couple of times as he finished waking up. He couldn't tell whether he was groggy from the sleep or the drugs that were being pumped into his system. He started to organise his thoughts. He knew that this was the calmness before everyone would be jumping on him for some sort of explanation, plus a police statement as to what was happening.

He turned his head to see Morgana asleep in the chair by his bedside. He hoped that she hadn't been there long as he knew how much the plastic chairs hurt to sleep in. He knew that the moment that she woke up, she would want an explanation and she deserved one most.

He should let someone know that he was awake but he wanted this moment of calm.

Watching someone wake up is never like it is in a film. But to Merlin, Morgana still looked beautiful as she groaned and rubbed her hands over her face to wipe away the sleep. He could tell that she was still half asleep as she looked around remembering where she was before she saw him.

"Merlin." She breathed.

It took a little while still for her mind to catch up with her eyes and he just about managed to stop her from launching herself on top of him. The last thing he needed was for her to make worse whatever had happened to him. He could only remember a few details.

"I have been so worried." She said as she sat on the bed and cupped his cheek.

"I can guess."

"I suppose we have to thank that Alvarr's men couldn't even shoot straight."

"The gun?! Of course."

"The bullet hit your shoulder, luckily missing your lungs, but I believe you lost a lot of blood and you had to go into to surgery." Morgana paused for a moment. "I am sorry I can tell you more. It's been a weird day and I wasn't really listening to Gaius when he was explaining."

"I would think that it would have been a weird couple of days."

"Merlin, it has been a weird few months. Maybe even a weird few years."

"How do you mean?"

"You've just woken up. I should get someone."

He grabbed her hand before she could walk away from him.

"Morgana. I am fine for the moment. I need… There is something that I need to explain to you."

"And I want to know Merlin. Honestly, I want to know but I have just found out that Morgause is an undercover cop who has been investigating into Alvarr's activities and I have been used to try and find out the details that Cenred wouldn't give her. I may now be given all this police protection and their gratitude because of what I have done but…"

"I know."

She looked up at him. "What?"

"I knew that Morgause was an undercover officer. When you ran away, Uther hired a private investigator. He knew that if you were found then he would need to find someone to bring you back home. It all sort of spiralled after that. Uther asked me whether I would go and persuade you to come home. He paid for me to have driving lessons and had a car ready for me for when you were found. Obviously, it took the PI a while to find you. I was told not to tell Arthur about it. Uther knew that he would find it excessive.

"The debt that I owe Uther for Freya's treatment is more or less paid. I don't owe Uther any money and I don't owe Uther anything. The PI found you but didn't tell Uther your location due to the fact that, by that point, Morgause had started her plan. I bugged the PI so much that I was brought into this scheme to try and protect you. Morgause told me everything that was happening and that she could only protect you so much. That is why she sent you to London. She wanted you to be safe and she thought that would happen if we were around you. Uther was only brought in because we needed a way to coax Alvarr into what we wanted him to do.

"It was the reason why Alvarr knew I was your ex-boyfriend. I had told him. Morgause realised that he was planning something big and it would be better off if he was in London. That is why he turned up unannounced. I had got him down to London. I just never realised that he would get me involved in the drugs but it worked out. I had devices strapped to me so that the police could track my every move when I was dealing. I was showing them how big Alvarr's operation was. The only problem with that was that we probably also made him fast forward his plans. I am sorry that I put you in that danger."

She blinked at him a couple of times. "Were we real?"

He pushed himself up so he could sit up and be on the same eye line as her. His left shoulder screamed at him in pain and it almost made him collapse back down. He cupped her cheek with his right and made sure that she was looking at him before he said anything.

"Of course we were real. My actions, emotions and feelings towards you always have and always will be real. It will be the only thing that I can't fake. I can't fake not being in love with you."

"And Freya?"

"I loved Freya. I still love Freya but it will never be on the same level that I love you. This is going to sound wrong but I would have settled for Freya. I would have married her and been happy with her. I would have been faithful to her even if you had turned up. When you messaged me all those months ago, I had a feeling that you were coming back. Arthur text me and then Morgause. But deep down, I didn't know whether I wanted you to return. I… I didn't want to fall in love with you all over again while Freya was still in the picture."

"And the only reason I jumped at the chance when Morgause suggested it was because I was coming back to you. I wasn't coming home for Arthur or Gwen, as nice as it has been to see them again. I wasn't returning home because Morgause or even Alvarr suggested it. I wanted you, Merlin. I should have spoken to you all those years ago when I ran away."

Silence fell between them and Merlin didn't know how to fill it. He wanted to say something to her. He wanted to say something that would magically make everything better.

"What happens now?"

"The end of the investigation and probably a trail. Between us, that will be up to you. I would understand."

"Is there any point stopping what we had started? We might as well try and make it work this time."

"I couldn't agree more."


	26. It's a nice day to start again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here we are finally. At the last chapter of this story. I do hope that in some weird way that you did enjoy it. Maybe a little different from what I have done in the past and maybe something that I won't do again. I am slightly deciding on a few things.
> 
> Right, well, I think I am going to take another break while I attempt to try and get the motivation to finish planning my next fanfic and then actually write it. And probably sort out my head again...

It's a nice day to start again.  
It's a nice day for a white wedding.

**Chapter 26**

The investigation lasted longer than most of them thought but Merlin was glad that it was all over and done with now. Alvarr had been put away for a number of different convictions and Cenred was currently on trial for similar charges.

With him more or less healed, Merlin felt like life was going back to normal. There was no reason for Uther to keep firing him and, even if he had to hand over all the money given to him while he was dealing drugs, things just felt better. The knowledge of just having a stable job was the biggest relief of it all. No more sneaking around and keeping secrets from everyone. He could just get on with life.

"How do I look?" Arthur asked.

Merlin smiled. "As handsome as ever."

Arthur pulled his jacket down and looked at Merlin's reflection in the mirror. "You know, you only get away with comments like that because you are my best friend."

"I only say them because Gwen likes to see you squirm as well."

"Morgana and I had this conversation once, in front of dad as well, about if we were gay, who would we be with. I said you. Morgana obviously said Gwen."

"Who wouldn't say Gwen?"

"I know right."

"The only problem with that whole conversation was that you aren't gay."

Arthur gave him a small smile. "It doesn't mean that I don't see it." He turned to Merlin. "Do you think that you will be happy with Morgana?"

"I think so. We are seemingly beginning all over again and it is going to take us a while to get back to the point where we were when I was 16. It is going to be a journey. I am just glad that you are finally marrying Gwen."

"I was surprised when dad mentioned it. I think he had a bit of a scare when Alvarr pointed the gun at him. He realised that I was in a happy relationship and that he should stop getting in the way of that. Dad's also tried to make the effort to meet Gwen's family."

"Really? I can understand him having a bit of a scare but that isn't your dad."

"Tell me about it."

Merlin knew that he had started to think about it all again. About whether it was all worth it and how easily it was to put fake information out there about himself and Uther.

"Stop it."

He looked up at his friend. "I'm not doing anything."

"You're thinking again. I know that it is easier said than done but it is all over now. You can start to focus on the future now."

Merlin smiled at him, knowing that Arthur wouldn't understand all the thoughts flying around his mind.

* * *

"Gwen, I need to apologise for being such an awful friend."

Morgana couldn't quite believe why a smile rose up on Gwen's lips.

"Morgana, you aren't an awful friend. You have your moments when you don't think but that doesn't necessarily make you an awful friend."

"I was the one that brought Alvarr in your lives."

"But we know that there is more to it than that. You weren't totally to blame."

"Thanks for that."

"Look you know what I am trying to say. At least things are getting back to normal."

"Normal? Getting married isn't normal?"

"Isn't it? Isn't it the natural progression of a relationship? If you didn't run away, you might have been married."

"Back then there was probably not might about it."

"Are you happy Morgana?"

"I am not going to lie. There is so much that I regret and if I could take back the last eight years, I would. I know that half of what has happened would have basically not happened if I just sat down a spoke about what was going through my mind at the time."

"You did what you thought was right at the time. You wanted to find out the truth about your parents."

"I am just glad that, as you said, things are going back to normal. Uther will never be my father but I am looking forward to the job he has lined up for me and the training that he is going to pay for."

"There is probably one part of Alvarr's plan that was not far from the truth. Arthur doesn't want the company. He is only doing it because Uther wants him to."

"I don't really want the company either. Merlin said about all the places that he wants to visit and… I kinda want to make it happen for him." Morgana paused for a moment. "Maybe when the time comes, we will have to have a conversation about joint running it."

"I think that there would be no better compromise."

Morgana watched as Gwen straighten up her veil before handing her flowers over.

"Ready?" Morgana asked.

* * *

"Now for the best man and the maid of honour."

Merlin found himself smiling as he turned to Morgana and held his hand out to her. She took it and he led her out to the dance floor where Arthur and Gwen were having their first dance. It wasn't too long before the rest of the guests joined in and Merlin could feel some sense of calm. The majority of the day was over now.

"Are we alright?" He asked.

He could tell that Morgana was taken aback by the question. "Why are you asking that?"

"It was something that I was thinking when Arthur and Gwen were taking their vows. They have always been alright. They may have had their arguments but they have always seen passed that and no one else has ever got between them. I more wondered whether we would be the same."

"Merlin, we were and we will be again. Look, I know about the plans that you made and I know how far Gwen took it. She still has the scrapbook you know."

"I do. I used to find it and look at it. Thinking about what we could have been and had in the moment. If my plans went to plan, we could have been married for six years by now. Or it's something like that."

"And if I wasn't in the headspace that I was, I might have liked that."

Merlin shook his head. "There is only one thing that I believe in now. That is karma. There is good karma and bad karma and things happen for a reason. We weren't ready for that type of commitment. We were only children. It wasn't meant to be."

"I tell you want wasn't meant to be. You not, not being a doctor. You are far too clever to just let it go to waste being Arthur's PA."

"Then you should see the amount of work that Arthur actually does. I have had to learn a lot about business very quickly. Arthur can't see the patterns but I can. Sometimes he can articulate what he is thinking but I can. In a weird sense, Arthur is just the front man. There is more than just me. There is a team of us, making sure that Arthur succeeds in the way that Uther wants him to."

"You won't have to do it all by yourself. I will be there with you now."

"I think by the end of it, all four of us will be running that company."

"I see no better team." She smiled widely at him. "We will make it work this time. We will learn from the mistakes that we made the first time around."

"We will. We will finally have the story we should have had the first time around."


End file.
